Oregon Trail Deluxe, The
Emulation Item Preview
Share or Embed This Item
software
Oregon Trail Deluxe, The
- Publication date
- 1992
MS-DOS: Oregon Trail Deluxe, The by (1992)
- Access-restricted-item
- true
- Addeddate
- 2014-12-26 11:15:41
- Emulator
- dosbox
- Emulator_ext
- zip
- Emulator_start
- oregontd/OREGON.EXE
- Identifier
- msdos_Oregon_Trail_Deluxe_The_1992
- Scanner
- Internet Archive Python library 0.7.5
- Year
- 1992
comment
Reviews
Reviewer:
The screen name "The screen name "The screen name "The screen name "The screen name "The screen name"""" is already in use
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 20, 2023
Subject: I ended up beating the game... Unintentionally
Subject: I ended up beating the game... Unintentionally
I was trying to see how fast I could kill everyone, but somehow this also ended up being an okay speedrun strat. I beat the game in around 15 minutes and it was really fun and surprising.
Reviewer:
ryan kross
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 20, 2023
Subject: A great for learning american history and teaching kids
Subject: A great for learning american history and teaching kids
After my second run of ever playing this game I got everyone to the williamette valley, no one dead. I ranked 3rd place on the list. If you wait out the winter at a fort, rest until healed from all injuries, and keep inventory low so you can charge 175 for two oxen and flip it for a 75 dollar profit at the fort traders. this game will play just like a real adventure... maybe outside of my last little money exploit i developed on my last playthrough. really liked this game and loved how... wholesome and honest the game was. i can see how people where more patriotic when they had games like this back in the day... i miss it.
Reviewer:
Austin Kelly261
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 17, 2023
Subject: ok
Subject: ok
The person below me cant take a joke
Reviewer:
Levi Ray990
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 6, 2023
Subject: sheesh
Subject: sheesh
People are only calling this game bad because they're a group of little 8 year olds who've only touched fortnite and no other game. This game is an actual good game and if you can't stand it, your an actual toddler who drools all over his ipad watching cocomelon instead of spending time playing this.
Reviewer:
Angel Luna199
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 5, 2023
Subject: This game gave me ulcers
Subject: This game gave me ulcers
Do you know the who the rizzly bear is?, No? Well i am. TREAT ME LIKE WHITE TEE, DONT GET ME DIRTY, LOVE LOVE ON ME, LOVE LOVE ON ME.
Reviewer:
Student Ryan Peters
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 27, 2023
Subject: cool game
Subject: cool game
I like this game so much, even though this is from the 90's. I especially love sacrificing my people. I also have 2 records on there.
Reviewer:
Leste Avila
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 3, 2023
Subject: better than the perfect game
Subject: better than the perfect game
This game is better than my fav game ever made (botw on switch)(im also from inner ohio)
Reviewer:
Wolf Vanraes
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 23, 2023
Subject: pretty pog
Subject: pretty pog
Is this what cavemen used to play?
Reviewer:
Rylan Brazil
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 3, 2023
Subject: fortnite battle royele is batter
Subject: fortnite battle royele is batter
i think fortnte is better cuz you can box people and no scope and spelap cat litter in loot lake cuz of my massive cheaks cuz this game ngl kinda glizzy water i couldnt find any chests and the map was too big. only got like 10 kills which is dog water so yea im stright booty in at this game. in 2006 i blew up a walgreens
Reviewer:
Diego Vazquez595
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 2, 2023
Subject: I like dis
Subject: I like dis
Long before time, master oogway gave me a glizzy, the game doesn't have stretch rez which is kinda bonkers. AH SHUCKS! some peanut butter expert left a mark in my butter with a piped down monke who when diggity giggity stinkity on my cheeks. the monke came up to me and said "excuse me, I only date tens!!!" And then he gave me the sloppy joe of the lifes worth. I then walked up to the walmart and bought myself some toaster waffles. Then some dude was an average kid, that nobody understand woooh, mom and dad and grandpa always gave him commands, and then the man came out the window with this bomb that exploded in my bugatti that Andrew TATE gave me for my christmas. Then I went to play GTA 6 and i love los santos customs like legion square because of my monke pet! Overall, I love the game!!!
Reviewer:
Alex Weselinski
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 1, 2023
Subject: I love this game
Subject: I love this game
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
There the wicked
Carried us away in captivity
Required from us a song
Now how shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land?
There the wicked
Carried us away in captivity
Requiring of us a song
Now how shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Let the words of our mouth and the meditation of our heart
Be acceptable in thy sight here tonight
Let the words of our mouth and the meditation of our hearts
Be acceptable in thy sight here tonight
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
By the rivers of Babylon (dark tears of Babylon)
There we sat down (you got to sing a song)
Yeah, we wept (sing a song of love)
When we remembered Zion (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
By the rivers of Babylon (rough bits of Babylon)
There we sat down (you hear the people cry)
Yeah, we wept (they need their God)
When we remembered Zion (ooh, have the power)
By the rivers of Babylon (oh yeah yeah), there we sat down (yeah, yeah)
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
There the wicked
Carried us away in captivity
Required from us a song
Now how shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land?
There the wicked
Carried us away in captivity
Requiring of us a song
Now how shall we sing the Lord's song in a strange land?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Let the words of our mouth and the meditation of our heart
Be acceptable in thy sight here tonight
Let the words of our mouth and the meditation of our hearts
Be acceptable in thy sight here tonight
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down
Yeah, we wept, when we remembered Zion
By the rivers of Babylon (dark tears of Babylon)
There we sat down (you got to sing a song)
Yeah, we wept (sing a song of love)
When we remembered Zion (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
By the rivers of Babylon (rough bits of Babylon)
There we sat down (you hear the people cry)
Yeah, we wept (they need their God)
When we remembered Zion (ooh, have the power)
By the rivers of Babylon (oh yeah yeah), there we sat down (yeah, yeah)
Reviewer:
Kocarika
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 30, 2023
Subject: i been searching for this game
Subject: i been searching for this game
i was 8 years old when i first played this game and i always wanted to find it i really enjoyed and missed this game i was in class computer class and everyone played this
Reviewer:
Daniel Carpenter563
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 27, 2023
Subject: ok
Subject: ok
ok
Reviewer:
Shelby Hemmer
-
favorite -
January 23, 2023
Subject: this game sucks
Subject: this game sucks
nah i'd rather be playing basketball stars thats all
Reviewer:
Carson Hitson (KillerOfSanity)
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 19, 2023
Subject: An amazing game of the ages
Subject: An amazing game of the ages
A difficult and treacherous game, danger lurks at every corner. Dysentery, snake bites and broken arms threaten the lives of you and your wagon mates. Forts and landmarks are your only refuge against the harsh Oregon prairie. Deserts and lush woodlands, even though beautiful (for a 1994-ish game), can have thieves, and fires are also common when accidents happen. This game is gold, and it will be for generations. Even for its old age and okay graphics, the adventure can still captivate the minds of people and young people. Quality games will stand the test of time, like this game here.
Reviewer:
Caleb Kloppenborg
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 12, 2023
Subject: this game is awsome
Subject: this game is awsome
shelby hemmer is salty that she cant win thats why shes saying this
Reviewer:
Logan Petersen221
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 12, 2023
Subject: hi
Subject: hi
Theres a place in france where i can do my freaky dance theres a hole in the wall where the men can see it all the woman don't care because there wearing there underwear
Reviewer:
Julia Baugh
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 3, 2022
Subject: Totaly Awesome
Subject: Totaly Awesome
This is so much fun
Reviewer:
airy11
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 2, 2022
Subject: This gae is so gud!
Subject: This gae is so gud!
You can't believe that your still here
but I assure fret not don't fear
Your lost to time, you just keep counting, waiting
for the chance I come back
another day we'd spend
Although your hope diminishes, you wish to see me again.
And as it all just drones, and as you lie there all alone.
You listen for my voice.
Although I'm not quite there.
And as the record stands,
defeated at my own bear hands.
Your mind is on the brink, but don't let these visions, sink you.
Weeeeeeee, cant heal every wound, so let it bleed
You want me back, I want you home
but is it really what we need?
You just can't let me go, you need to see
Sometimes you cant,
get what you want,
so cut the link betweeeeeeeeeen
Yooooooooooooooouu and me.
Now that the object show stuff is done, time to get to the real review.
SHREK
Written by
William Steig & Ted Elliott
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...
SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK
I like my privacy.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay wit' you, please?
SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.
BIG BAD WOLF
What?
TIME LAPSE
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)
DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.
SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
DULOC - KITCHEN
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)
FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!
FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?
MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!
FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...
MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD
I'll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY
Sorry about that.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!
SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK
Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?
SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)
DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK
Yes - - No!
DONKEY
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.
SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)
DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
DRAGON'S KEEP
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.
DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.
They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.
SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?
SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!
SHREK
But you're already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.
DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
DONKEY
Don't do that!
SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But...
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.
SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...
DONKEY
(os) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?
FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK
I don't think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)
FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.
SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA
What kind of knight are you?
SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)
DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
DONKEY
Hi, Princess!
FIONA
It talks!
SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.
SHREK
Oh!
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK
(echoing) Run!
They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK
Uh, no.
FIONA
Why not?
SHREK
I have helmet hair.
FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.
SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA
But how will you kiss me?
SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
job description.
DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A princess locked in a
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.
DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
love?
FIONA
Well, yes.
Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA
What is so funny?
SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.
FIONA
Just take off the helmet.
SHREK
I'm not going to.
FIONA
Take it off.
SHREK
No!
FIONA
Now!
SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)
FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
an ogre.
SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
wants to marry you.
FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there.
FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
pet.
DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.
SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)
FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.
FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!
WOODS
A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.
DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!
FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?
SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.
DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?
SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.
FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.
SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK
Hey! Over here.
DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.
SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.
FIONA
(os) I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.
DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.
SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.
DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for.
DONKEY
I know you're making this up.
SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.
DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.
SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK
Our swamp?
DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
the princess.
SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK
No, do ya think?
DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?
SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?
SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.
DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY
Why are you blocking?
SHREK
I'm not blocking.
DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?
SHREK
Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)
DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?
SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.
DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.
SHREK
Yeah, I know.
DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.
DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
Fiona puts the door back.
SHREK
That's the moon.
DONKEY
Oh, okay.
DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.
MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
in his sleep.
DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.
SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY
Huh? What?
SHREK
Wake up.
DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?
DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK
What's all this about?
FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.
SHREK
Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)
LATER
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY
Shrek!
SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a princess.
Fiona belches
FIONA
Thanks.
DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.
FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.
ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
SHREK
Princess!
FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
disgust)...beast.
SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own!
ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?
FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
needy.
MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...
ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN
That's bad.
ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA
Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Fiona begins walking away.
FIONA
Uh, shall we?
SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?
FIONA
What?
SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)
FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.
DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA
Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)
SHREK
What are the flowers for?
FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Donkey.
SHREK
Ah.
FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)
SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK
No, it's tender.
FIONA
Now, hold on.
SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.
FIONA
Don't move.
SHREK
Look, time out.
FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE
Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK
(os) Ow!
DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH
SHREK
Ow! Not good.
FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...
SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY
Ahem.
SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL
SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
you.
FIONA
That's DuLoc?
DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.
FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
about Donkey.
SHREK
What?
FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
so good.
DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.
SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA
I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.
SUNSET
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats.
FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?
SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.
SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.
FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that.
They smiles at each other.
SHREK
Um, Princess?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.
SHREK
What?
DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?
FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.
Shrek sighs
FIONA
Good night.
SHREK
Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.
SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
an animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.
SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Farquaad.
DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.
SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -
DONKEY
An ogre?
SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.
TIME LAPSE
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess?
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
out.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
Oh, no!
DONKEY
No, help!
FIONA
Shh!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
It's me, in this body.
DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
Shh.
DONKEY
Shrek!
FIONA
This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
down.
DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -
FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.
DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.
FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."
DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.
FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
to cry)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?
FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
lot in common.
FIONA
Shrek?
OUTSIDE
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
hand.
SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking.
FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock.
FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.
INSIDE
FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.
DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.
DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.
MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
her.
FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.
SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything,
Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA
You heard what I said?
SHREK
Every word.
FIONA
I thought you'd understand.
SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.
SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
him in shock. He looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Princess, I've brought you
a little something.
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.
DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.
SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
and set down in front of her. He comes
to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
not like it has feelings.
FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?
FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
make - -
FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
on the back of his horse)
FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
them go.
DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.
SHREK
Yeah? So what?
DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -
SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?
DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking donkeys!
DONKEY
But I thought - -
SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)
DONKEY
Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
outside to investigate.
SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
with what he's doing.) What are you
doing?
DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.
SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
SHREK
Back off!
DONKEY
No, you back off.
SHREK
This is my swamp!
DONKEY
Our swamp.
SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY
You let go.
SHREK
Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY
Smelly ogre.
SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)
DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.
SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.
DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
that I do! You're always pushing me
around or pushing me away.
SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They
forgive each other!
SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
door)
DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy, you're afraid of your own
feelings.
SHREK
(os) Go away!
DONKEY
There you are , doing it again just
like you did to Fiona. All she ever
do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
SHREK
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
talking about me? Well, then who was
she talking about?
DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
No!
SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
SHREK
Right. Friends?
DONKEY
Friends.
SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't
you just go ask her?
SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in
time.
DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
(whistles)
Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
they can climb on.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
They both laugh.
SHREK
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
noogie)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
had a chance to install the seat belts
yet.
They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
DULOC - CHURCH
Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union....
FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?
DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"
SHREK
I don't have time for this!
DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
You wanna hold her?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Please her?
SHREK
Yes!
DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!
SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?
DONKEY
We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH
As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...
Outside
SHREK
What do you see?
DONKEY
The whole town's in there.
Inside
PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside
DONKEY
They're at the altar.
Inside
PRIEST
...king and queen.
Outside
DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!
He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INSIDE CHURCH
SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA
Shrek?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
of all. Very clean.
FIONA
What are you doing here?
SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -
SHREK
But you can't marry him.
FIONA
And why not?
SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK
He's not your true love.
FIONA
And what do you know about true love?
SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!
FIONA
Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
smiles)
FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
them.
SHREK
No, no!
FIONA
Shrek!
FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?
FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK
No!
FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
FIONA
No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
SHREK
Fiona!
FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?
The congregation cheers.
DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK
Uh, Fiona?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I - - I love you.
FIONA
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
FIONA
(smiles) I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION
Aawww!
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
her.
WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
SHREK
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right?
FIONA
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.
SHREK
But you ARE beautiful.
They smile at each other.
DONKEY
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
THE SWAMP
...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
singing the song.
GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one.
DONKEY
(as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.
THE END
but I assure fret not don't fear
Your lost to time, you just keep counting, waiting
for the chance I come back
another day we'd spend
Although your hope diminishes, you wish to see me again.
And as it all just drones, and as you lie there all alone.
You listen for my voice.
Although I'm not quite there.
And as the record stands,
defeated at my own bear hands.
Your mind is on the brink, but don't let these visions, sink you.
Weeeeeeee, cant heal every wound, so let it bleed
You want me back, I want you home
but is it really what we need?
You just can't let me go, you need to see
Sometimes you cant,
get what you want,
so cut the link betweeeeeeeeeen
Yooooooooooooooouu and me.
Now that the object show stuff is done, time to get to the real review.
SHREK
Written by
William Steig & Ted Elliott
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
MAN1
Think it's in there?
MAN2
All right. Let's get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...
SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?
SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK
I like my privacy.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay wit' you, please?
SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.
BIG BAD WOLF
What?
TIME LAPSE
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)
DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.
SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
DULOC - KITCHEN
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)
FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!
FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?
MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!
FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...
MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD
I'll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY
Sorry about that.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!
SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK
Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?
SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)
DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK
Yes - - No!
DONKEY
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.
SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)
DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
DRAGON'S KEEP
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.
DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.
They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.
SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?
SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!
SHREK
But you're already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.
DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
DONKEY
Don't do that!
SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But...
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.
SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...
DONKEY
(os) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?
FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK
I don't think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)
FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.
SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA
What kind of knight are you?
SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)
DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
DONKEY
Hi, Princess!
FIONA
It talks!
SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.
They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.
SHREK
Oh!
Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK
(echoing) Run!
They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK
Uh, no.
FIONA
Why not?
SHREK
I have helmet hair.
FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.
SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA
But how will you kiss me?
SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
job description.
DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A princess locked in a
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.
DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
love?
FIONA
Well, yes.
Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA
What is so funny?
SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.
FIONA
Just take off the helmet.
SHREK
I'm not going to.
FIONA
Take it off.
SHREK
No!
FIONA
Now!
SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)
FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
an ogre.
SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
wants to marry you.
FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there.
FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
pet.
DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.
SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)
FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.
FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!
WOODS
A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.
DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!
FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?
SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)
Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.
DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?
SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.
FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.
SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!
Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
MOUNTAIN CLIFF
Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK
Hey! Over here.
DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.
SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.
FIONA
(os) I said good night!
Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.
DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.
SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.
DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for.
DONKEY
I know you're making this up.
SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.
DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.
SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK
Our swamp?
DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
the princess.
SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK
No, do ya think?
DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?
SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?
SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.
DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY
Why are you blocking?
SHREK
I'm not blocking.
DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?
SHREK
Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)
At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)
DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?
SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.
DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.
SHREK
Yeah, I know.
DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.
DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
Fiona puts the door back.
SHREK
That's the moon.
DONKEY
Oh, okay.
DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR
Hmph.
The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.
Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.
MORNING
Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
in his sleep.
DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.
SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY
Huh? What?
SHREK
Wake up.
DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?
DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!
Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK
What's all this about?
FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.
SHREK
Uh, thanks.
Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)
LATER
They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY
Shrek!
SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a princess.
Fiona belches
FIONA
Thanks.
DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.
FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.
ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!
SHREK
Princess!
FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
disgust)...beast.
SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own!
ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?
FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)
Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
needy.
MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...
ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN
That's bad.
ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...
There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA
Man, that was annoying!
Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Fiona begins walking away.
FIONA
Uh, shall we?
SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?
FIONA
What?
SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)
FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.
DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA
Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)
SHREK
What are the flowers for?
FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Donkey.
SHREK
Ah.
FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)
SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.
As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK
No, it's tender.
FIONA
Now, hold on.
SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.
FIONA
Don't move.
SHREK
Look, time out.
FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE
Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK
(os) Ow!
DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH
SHREK
Ow! Not good.
FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...
SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY
Ahem.
SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?
Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
on their way.
There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL
SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
you.
FIONA
That's DuLoc?
DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.
FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
about Donkey.
SHREK
What?
FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
so good.
DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.
SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA
I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.
SUNSET
Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats.
FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?
SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)
Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.
SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.
FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that.
They smiles at each other.
SHREK
Um, Princess?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.
SHREK
What?
DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?
FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.
Shrek sighs
FIONA
Good night.
SHREK
Good night.
Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.
SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
an animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.
SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Farquaad.
DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.
SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -
DONKEY
An ogre?
SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)
Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.
TIME LAPSE
Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess?
Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.
Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
out.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
Oh, no!
DONKEY
No, help!
FIONA
Shh!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY
Aah!
FIONA
It's me, in this body.
DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA
Donkey!
DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA
Shh.
DONKEY
Shrek!
FIONA
This is me.
Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
down.
DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -
FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.
DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.
FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."
DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.
FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
to cry)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?
FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
lot in common.
FIONA
Shrek?
OUTSIDE
Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
hand.
SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking.
FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.
Shrek steps back in shock.
FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.
INSIDE
FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.
DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.
DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.
Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.
MORNING
Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)
Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
her.
FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.
SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything,
Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA
You heard what I said?
SHREK
Every word.
FIONA
I thought you'd understand.
SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.
SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
him in shock. He looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Princess, I've brought you
a little something.
Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.
DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.
SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
and set down in front of her. He comes
to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
not like it has feelings.
FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.
Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?
FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
make - -
FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
on the back of his horse)
FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
them go.
DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.
SHREK
Yeah? So what?
DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -
SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?
DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking donkeys!
DONKEY
But I thought - -
SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)
DONKEY
Shrek.
Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME
Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
outside to investigate.
SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
with what he's doing.) What are you
doing?
DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.
SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
SHREK
Back off!
DONKEY
No, you back off.
SHREK
This is my swamp!
DONKEY
Our swamp.
SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY
You let go.
SHREK
Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY
Smelly ogre.
SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)
DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.
SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.
DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
that I do! You're always pushing me
around or pushing me away.
SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They
forgive each other!
SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
door)
DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy, you're afraid of your own
feelings.
SHREK
(os) Go away!
DONKEY
There you are , doing it again just
like you did to Fiona. All she ever
do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
SHREK
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
talking about me? Well, then who was
she talking about?
DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
No!
SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
SHREK
Right. Friends?
DONKEY
Friends.
SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't
you just go ask her?
SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in
time.
DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
(whistles)
Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
they can climb on.
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
They both laugh.
SHREK
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
noogie)
DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
had a chance to install the seat belts
yet.
They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
DULOC - CHURCH
Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union....
FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST
...of our new king...
FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD
Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?
DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"
SHREK
I don't have time for this!
DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
You wanna hold her?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Please her?
SHREK
Yes!
DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!
SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?
DONKEY
We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH
As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...
Outside
SHREK
What do you see?
DONKEY
The whole town's in there.
Inside
PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...
Outside
DONKEY
They're at the altar.
Inside
PRIEST
...king and queen.
Outside
DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!
He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INSIDE CHURCH
SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA
Shrek?
The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
of all. Very clean.
FIONA
What are you doing here?
SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -
SHREK
But you can't marry him.
FIONA
And why not?
SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK
He's not your true love.
FIONA
And what do you know about true love?
SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!
FIONA
Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)
FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.
She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
smiles)
FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!
The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
them.
SHREK
No, no!
FIONA
Shrek!
FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?
FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK
No!
FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!
FIONA
No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...
SHREK
Fiona!
FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!
Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
the edge!
The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.
DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?
The congregation cheers.
DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK
Uh, Fiona?
FIONA
Yes, Shrek?
SHREK
I - - I love you.
FIONA
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
FIONA
(smiles) I love you too.
Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION
Aawww!
Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
her.
WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."
Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
SHREK
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right?
FIONA
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.
SHREK
But you ARE beautiful.
They smile at each other.
DONKEY
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
THE SWAMP
...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
singing the song.
GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one.
DONKEY
(as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.
THE END
Reviewer:
Lee Edwards-Wright
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 2, 2022
Subject: The OREGAHN TREL
Subject: The OREGAHN TREL
this goofy ah Indian came up to me in the fort and he gave me the heebie jeebies. the old man in the shop gave me 5 stds and 1 pair of clothes. i luv to caulk the wagon
Reviewer:
Ur Mum)
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 1, 2022
Subject: Good Stuff
Subject: Good Stuff
According to all known laws
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry?
- Adam?
- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.
- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I'd make it.
Three days grade school,
three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.
- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That's why we don't need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.
- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!
- Bee-men.
- Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...
...9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it's just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...
Honey!
- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!
- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.
- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.
- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know
that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.
What's the difference?
You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off
in 27 million years.
So you'll just work us to death?
We'll sure try.
Wow! That blew my mind!
"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?
One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.
I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?
Why would you question anything?
We're bees.
We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?
Like what? Give me one example.
I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.
Wait a second. Oheck it out.
- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.
I've never seen them this close.
They know what it's like
outside the hive.
Yeah, but some don't come back.
- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!
You guys did great!
You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.
Their day's not planned.
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.
Right.
Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.
It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?
Distant. Distant.
Look at these two.
- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!
- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.
What were you doing during this?
Trying to alert the authorities.
I can autograph that.
A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?
Yeah. Gusty.
We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.
- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.
- Maybe I am.
- You are not!
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.
Hey, Honex!
Dad, you surprised me.
You decide what you're interested in?
- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!
- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.
You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let's open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!
I'm so proud.
- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...
- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
- You want to go first?
- No, you go.
Oh, my. What's available?
Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.
- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey's always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?
Barry!
All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...
What happened to you?
Where are you?
- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?
- Out there.
- Oh, no!
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?
Another call coming in.
If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd
that gets their roses today.
Hey, guys.
- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
- Thank you.
- OK.
You got a rain advisory today,
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.
Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!
- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Black and yellow!
Hello!
You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
Wind, check.
- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.
- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.
Scared out of my shorts, check.
OK, ladies,
let's move it out!
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!
All of you, drain those flowers!
Wow! I'm out!
I can't believe I'm out!
So blue.
I feel so fast and free!
Box kite!
Wow!
Flowers!
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
Roses!
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.
That is one nectar collector!
- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,
a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.
That's amazing. Why do we do that?
That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
Oool.
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
Oopy that visual.
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.
Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?
Affirmative.
That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it?
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.
Yeah, fuzzy.
Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.
My sweet lord of bees!
Oandy-brain, get off there!
Problem!
- Guys!
- This could be bad.
Affirmative.
Very close.
Gonna hurt.
Mama's little boy.
You are way out of position, rookie!
Ooming in at you like a missile!
Help me!
I don't think these are flowers.
- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.
What is this?!
Match point!
You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!
Yowser!
Gross.
There's a bee in the car!
- Do something!
- I'm driving!
- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!
He's going to sting me!
Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!
He blinked!
Spray him, Granny!
What are you doing?!
Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.
I gotta get home.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.
You see? Folds out.
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.
What was that?
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...
Drapes!
That is diabolical.
It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
What's number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don't go for that...
...kind of stuff.
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.
When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.
I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.
I predicted global warming.
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee!
Stand back. These are winter boots.
Wait!
Don't kill him!
You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!
Why does his life have
less value than yours?
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?
I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.
My brochure!
There you go, little guy.
I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.
Put that on your resume brochure.
My whole face could puff up.
Make it one of your special skills.
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.
- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.
I gotta say something.
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.
All right, here it goes.
Nah.
What would I say?
I could really get in trouble.
It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I've got to.
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No.
Do it. I can't.
How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
Hi!
I'm sorry.
- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.
You're talking!
I'm so sorry.
No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.
But I don't recall going to bed.
Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!
I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,
but they were all trying to kill me.
And if it wasn't for you...
I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.
That was a little weird.
- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.
I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!
I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.
- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?
The talking thing.
Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.
- That's very funny.
- Yeah.
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway...
Oan I...
...get you something?
- Like what?
I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?
I don't want to put you out.
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.
- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.
- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.
Hey, you want rum cake?
- I shouldn't.
- Have some.
- No, I can't.
- Oome on!
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.
- Where?
- These stripes don't help.
You look great!
I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.
Are you all right?
No.
He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.
He finally gets there.
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.
And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.
Why would I marry a watermelon?"
Is that a bee joke?
That's the kind of stuff we do.
Yeah, different.
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
About work? I don't know.
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.
I know how you feel.
- You do?
- Sure.
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.
Anyway, if you look...
There's my hive right there. See it?
You're in Sheep Meadow!
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.
- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?
- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.
- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.
Just having two cups of coffee!
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.
Are you...?
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
- Thanks!
- Yeah.
All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.
Or not.
OK, Barry.
And thank you
so much again... for before.
Oh, that? That was nothing.
Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...
This can't possibly work.
He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.
Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.
- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.
- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.
You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.
- Well...
- Well?
Well, I met someone.
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.
- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.
I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.
I can't get by that face.
So who is she?
She's... human.
No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.
- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.
She's so nice. And she's a florist!
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
We're not dating.
You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
She saved my life!
And she understands me.
This is over!
Eat this.
This is not over! What was that?
- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!
And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!
- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...
Sit down!
...really hot!
- Listen to me!
We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?
There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
There he is. He's in the pool.
You know what your problem is, Barry?
I gotta start thinking bee?
How much longer will this go on?
It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?
I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?
Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.
Martin, would you talk to him?
Barry, I'm talking to you!
You coming?
Got everything?
All set!
Go ahead. I'll catch up.
Don't be too long.
Watch this!
Vanessa!
- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.
He doesn't respond to yelling!
- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!
I'm not listening to this.
Sorry, I've gotta go.
- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?
Bye.
I just hope she's Bee-ish.
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?
No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?
It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!
You don't have that?
We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.
Oh, my.
Dumb bees!
You must want to sting all those jerks.
We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.
So you have to watch your temper.
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:
Anger, jealousy, lust.
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
Yeah.
- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.
He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!
What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
You've really got that
down to a science.
- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
Ray Liotta Private Select?
- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.
- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.
You don't have
enough food of your own?
- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?
- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!
And it's hard to make it!
There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!
- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!
It's just honey, Barry.
Just what?!
Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!
And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.
I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!
Hey, Hector.
- You almost done?
- Almost.
He is here. I sense it.
Well, I guess I'll go home now
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.
You're busted, box boy!
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!
I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?
I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!
You're too late! It's ours now!
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
they're on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You're not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I'm going to Tacoma.
- And you?
- He really is dead.
All right.
Uh-oh!
- What is that?!
- Oh, no!
- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.
But don't kill no more bugs!
- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!
- You hear something?
- Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.
I mean, that honey's ours.
- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.
It's a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?
Oh, my!
What's going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!
That's a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There's hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He's been talking to humans.
- What?
- Talking to humans?!
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
- That would hurt.
- No.
Up the nose? That's a killer.
There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
It's a common name. Next week...
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...
Next week...
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.
Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!
I'm helping him sue the human race.
- Hello.
- Hello, bee.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.
But it's our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
- Frosting...
- How many sugars?
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you're three.
And artificial flowers.
- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able
to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!
It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It's pretty big, isn't it?
I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.
Well, if it isn't the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn't some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.
I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.
It's important to all bees.
We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
- No.
- I couldn't hear you.
- No.
- No.
Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
They're very lovable creatures.
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
You mean like this?
Bears kill bees!
How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!
OK, that's enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.
- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.
But you've never been
a police officer, have you?
No, I haven't.
No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.
Oh, please.
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.
Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
That's not his real name?! You idiots!
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.
Thank you. Thank you.
I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome
with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!
This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!
Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!
- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!
Order! Order, I say!
- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.
I think the jury's on our side.
Are we doing everything right, legally?
I'm a florist.
Right. Well, here's to a great team.
To a great team!
Well, hello.
- Ken!
- Hello.
I didn't think you were coming.
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.
I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
Oh, that was lucky.
There's a little left.
I could heat it up.
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.
I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.
That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.
You think I don't see what you're doing?
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.
Do we?
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That's just what
I was thinking about doing.
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
I'm going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that.
Look at that.
You know, I've just about had it
with your little mind games.
- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.
A lot of ads.
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!
I think something stinks in here!
I love the smell of flowers.
How do you like the smell of flames?!
Not as much.
Water bug! Not taking sides!
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!
I've got issues!
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
- You're bluffing.
- Am I?
Surf's up, dude!
Poo water!
That bowl is gnarly.
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!
We need to talk!
He's just a little bee!
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!
Goodbye, Ken.
And for your information,
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!
I'm sorry about all that.
I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.
I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.
Are you OK for the trial?
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...
Yeah.
Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic
with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.
Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around
is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.
- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.
What exactly is your relationship
to that woman?
We're friends.
- Good friends?
- Yes.
How good? Do you live together?
Wait a minute...
Are you her little...
...bedbug?
I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,
doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?
- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!
- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!
Hold me back!
You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?
He's denouncing bees!
Don't y'all date your cousins?
- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!
Oh, I'm hit!!
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order!
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!
You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!
Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!
- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison
from my heaving buttocks?
I will have order in this court. Order!
Order, please!
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race
took a pointed turn against the bees
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.
I...
I blew the whole case, didn't I?
It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
Look, there's
a little celery still on it.
What was it like to sting someone?
I can't explain it. It was all...
All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!
All right.
You think it was all a trap?
Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.
What will the humans do to us
if they win?
I don't know.
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!
Oh, my.
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?
- Why?
- The smoke.
Bees don't smoke.
Right. Bees don't smoke.
Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.
That's it! That's our case!
It is? It's not over?
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman.
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
Where is the rest of your team?
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
and as a result,
we don't make very good time.
I actually heard a funny story about...
Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs
taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.
But you can't! We have a terrific case.
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?
Show me the smoking gun!
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?
Here is your smoking gun.
What is that?
It's a bee smoker!
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?
This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.
Look at what has happened
to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"
Is this what nature intended for us?
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?
- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
The court finds in favor of the bees!
Vanessa, we won!
I knew you could do it! High-five!
Sorry.
I'm OK! You know what this means?
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.
Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.
You'll regret this.
Barry, how much honey is out there?
All right. One at a time.
Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.
- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?
We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,
every last drop.
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.
We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.
Wait for my signal.
Take him out.
He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...
But it's just a prance-about stage name!
...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.
Oan't breathe.
Bring it in, boys!
Hold it right there! Good.
Tap it.
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!
- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.
Shut down honey production!
Stop making honey!
Turn your key, sir!
What do we do now?
Oannonball!
We're shutting honey production!
Mission abort.
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.
Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.
Oh, yeah?
What's going on? Where is everybody?
- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.
They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.
At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?
It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.
And now...
Now I can't.
I don't understand
why they're not happy.
I thought their lives would be better!
They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.
You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?
- What did you want to show me?
- This.
What happened here?
That is not the half of it.
Oh, no. Oh, my.
They're all wilting.
Doesn't look very good, does it?
No.
And whose fault do you think that is?
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.
Bees?
Specifically, me.
I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.
It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
That's our whole SAT test right there.
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.
And then, of course...
The human species?
So if there's no more pollination,
it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?
I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact?
How do we do it?
- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.
Right, right.
Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.
I had to open my mouth and talk.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.
They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.
It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.
I know. Me neither.
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
Roses!
Vanessa!
Roses?!
Barry?
- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.
Flowers, bees, pollen!
I know.
That's why this is the last parade.
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down?
Barry!
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.
Yes, it kind of is.
I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you
with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.
Actually, it's completely closed down.
I thought maybe you were remodeling.
But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.
I don't want to hear it!
All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.
I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.
All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.
- Bees.
- Park.
- Pollen!
- Flowers.
- Repollination!
- Across the nation!
Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.
They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
Security will be tight.
I have an idea.
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
Official floral business. It's real.
Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.
Thank you. It was a gift.
Once inside,
we just pick the right float.
How about The Princess and the Pea?
I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!
Yes, I got it.
- Where should I sit?
- What are you?
- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?
It goes under the mattresses.
- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.
You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!
Let's see what this baby'll do.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...
...without arousing suspicion.
Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.
Stop! Security.
- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.
Has it been
in your possession the entire time?
Would you remove your shoes?
- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.
I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.
Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!
I think this is gonna work.
It's got to work.
Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.
We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.
It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.
Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.
I gotta get up there
and talk to them.
Be careful.
Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?
I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.
- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.
Bee!
Don't freak out! My entire species...
What are you doing?
- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?
Don't move.
Oh, Barry.
Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?
And please hurry!
What happened here?
There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.
One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!
- Is that another bee joke?
- No!
No one's flying the plane!
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?
This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.
Where's the pilot?
He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.
Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?
As a matter of fact, there is.
- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.
It's got giant wings, huge engines.
I can't fly a plane.
- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.
How hard could it be?
Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.
This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
where a suspenseful scene
is developing.
Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...
That's Barry!
...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers
and an incapacitated flight crew.
Flowers?!
We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls
with absolutely no flight experience.
Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.
I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.
They've done enough damage.
But isn't he your only hope?
Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.
Their wings are too small...
Haven't we heard this a million times?
"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."
- Get this on the air!
- Got it.
- Stand by.
- We're going live.
The way we work may be a mystery to you.
Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.
But let me tell you about a small job.
If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.
More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.
That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.
That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.
We get behind a fellow.
- Black and yellow!
- Hello!
Left, right, down, hover.
- Hover?
- Forget hover.
This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Barry, what happened?!
Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.
- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!
Move out!
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!
Don't have to yell.
I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.
It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!
It's not a tone. I'm panicking!
I can't do this!
Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!
You snap out of it.
You snap out of it.
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.
How is the plane flying?
I don't know.
Hello?
Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?
The Pollen Jocks!
They do get behind a fellow.
- Black and yellow.
- Hello.
All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.
Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?
No, nothing. It's all cloudy.
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.
- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
Bring the nose down.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.
Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?
Affirmative!
Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.
Land on that flower!
Ready? Full reverse!
Spin it around!
- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?
- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!
That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower
made of millions of bees!
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
Rotate around it.
- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?
Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!
Just drop it. Be a part of it.
Aim for the center!
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
Oome on, already.
Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!
- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.
Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?
What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!
- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.
Listen, everyone!
This runway is covered
with the last pollen
from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.
That means this is our last chance.
We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.
If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?
Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?
We're bees!
Keychain!
Then follow me! Except Keychain.
Hold on, Barry. Here.
You've earned this.
Yeah!
I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
Oh, yeah.
That's our Barry.
Mom! The bees are back!
If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.
I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!
Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?
Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!
Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!
I had no idea.
Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?
Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.
Sorry I'm late.
He's a lawyer too?
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.
Have a great afternoon!
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.
No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.
You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?
All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.
Thank you, Barry!
That bee is living my life!
Let it go, Kenny.
- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.
- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.
Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.
You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.
- Thinking bee!
- Me?
Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?
I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!
All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
of aviation,
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry?
- Adam?
- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!
Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.
- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I'd make it.
Three days grade school,
three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.
- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.
Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.
I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.
That's why we don't need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.
- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!
- Bee-men.
- Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...
...9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career
at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it's just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.
- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...
Honey!
- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!
- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.
- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.
- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.
Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.
- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey
that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know
that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.
What's the difference?
You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off
in 27 million years.
So you'll just work us to death?
We'll sure try.
Wow! That blew my mind!
"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?
One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.
I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?
Why would you question anything?
We're bees.
We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?
Like what? Give me one example.
I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.
Wait a second. Oheck it out.
- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.
I've never seen them this close.
They know what it's like
outside the hive.
Yeah, but some don't come back.
- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!
You guys did great!
You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.
Their day's not planned.
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.
Right.
Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.
It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?
Distant. Distant.
Look at these two.
- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!
- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.
What were you doing during this?
Trying to alert the authorities.
I can autograph that.
A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?
Yeah. Gusty.
We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.
- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.
- Maybe I am.
- You are not!
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.
Hey, Honex!
Dad, you surprised me.
You decide what you're interested in?
- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!
- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.
You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let's open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!
I'm so proud.
- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...
- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
- You want to go first?
- No, you go.
Oh, my. What's available?
Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.
- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey's always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?
Barry!
All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...
What happened to you?
Where are you?
- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?
- Out there.
- Oh, no!
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?
Another call coming in.
If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd
that gets their roses today.
Hey, guys.
- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
- Thank you.
- OK.
You got a rain advisory today,
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.
Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!
- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Black and yellow!
Hello!
You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
Wind, check.
- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.
- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.
Scared out of my shorts, check.
OK, ladies,
let's move it out!
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!
All of you, drain those flowers!
Wow! I'm out!
I can't believe I'm out!
So blue.
I feel so fast and free!
Box kite!
Wow!
Flowers!
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
Roses!
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.
That is one nectar collector!
- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,
a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.
That's amazing. Why do we do that?
That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
Oool.
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
Oopy that visual.
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.
Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?
Affirmative.
That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it?
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.
Yeah, fuzzy.
Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.
My sweet lord of bees!
Oandy-brain, get off there!
Problem!
- Guys!
- This could be bad.
Affirmative.
Very close.
Gonna hurt.
Mama's little boy.
You are way out of position, rookie!
Ooming in at you like a missile!
Help me!
I don't think these are flowers.
- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.
What is this?!
Match point!
You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!
Yowser!
Gross.
There's a bee in the car!
- Do something!
- I'm driving!
- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!
He's going to sting me!
Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!
He blinked!
Spray him, Granny!
What are you doing?!
Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.
I gotta get home.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Ken, could you close
the window please?
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.
You see? Folds out.
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.
What was that?
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...
Drapes!
That is diabolical.
It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
What's number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don't go for that...
...kind of stuff.
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.
When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.
I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.
I predicted global warming.
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee!
Stand back. These are winter boots.
Wait!
Don't kill him!
You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!
Why does his life have
less value than yours?
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?
I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.
My brochure!
There you go, little guy.
I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.
Put that on your resume brochure.
My whole face could puff up.
Make it one of your special skills.
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.
- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.
I gotta say something.
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.
All right, here it goes.
Nah.
What would I say?
I could really get in trouble.
It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I've got to.
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No.
Do it. I can't.
How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
Hi!
I'm sorry.
- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.
You're talking!
I'm so sorry.
No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.
But I don't recall going to bed.
Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!
I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,
but they were all trying to kill me.
And if it wasn't for you...
I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.
That was a little weird.
- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.
I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!
I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.
- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?
The talking thing.
Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.
- That's very funny.
- Yeah.
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway...
Oan I...
...get you something?
- Like what?
I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?
I don't want to put you out.
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.
- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.
- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.
Hey, you want rum cake?
- I shouldn't.
- Have some.
- No, I can't.
- Oome on!
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.
- Where?
- These stripes don't help.
You look great!
I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.
Are you all right?
No.
He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.
He finally gets there.
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.
And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.
Why would I marry a watermelon?"
Is that a bee joke?
That's the kind of stuff we do.
Yeah, different.
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
About work? I don't know.
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.
I know how you feel.
- You do?
- Sure.
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.
Anyway, if you look...
There's my hive right there. See it?
You're in Sheep Meadow!
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.
- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?
- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.
- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.
Just having two cups of coffee!
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.
Are you...?
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
- Thanks!
- Yeah.
All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.
Or not.
OK, Barry.
And thank you
so much again... for before.
Oh, that? That was nothing.
Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...
This can't possibly work.
He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.
Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.
- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.
- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.
You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.
- Well...
- Well?
Well, I met someone.
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.
- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.
I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.
I can't get by that face.
So who is she?
She's... human.
No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.
- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.
She's so nice. And she's a florist!
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
We're not dating.
You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
She saved my life!
And she understands me.
This is over!
Eat this.
This is not over! What was that?
- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!
And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!
- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...
Sit down!
...really hot!
- Listen to me!
We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?
There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
There he is. He's in the pool.
You know what your problem is, Barry?
I gotta start thinking bee?
How much longer will this go on?
It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?
I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?
Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.
Martin, would you talk to him?
Barry, I'm talking to you!
You coming?
Got everything?
All set!
Go ahead. I'll catch up.
Don't be too long.
Watch this!
Vanessa!
- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.
He doesn't respond to yelling!
- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!
I'm not listening to this.
Sorry, I've gotta go.
- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?
Bye.
I just hope she's Bee-ish.
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?
No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?
It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!
You don't have that?
We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.
Oh, my.
Dumb bees!
You must want to sting all those jerks.
We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.
So you have to watch your temper.
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:
Anger, jealousy, lust.
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
Yeah.
- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.
He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!
What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
You've really got that
down to a science.
- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
Ray Liotta Private Select?
- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.
- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.
You don't have
enough food of your own?
- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?
- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!
And it's hard to make it!
There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!
- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!
It's just honey, Barry.
Just what?!
Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!
And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.
I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!
Hey, Hector.
- You almost done?
- Almost.
He is here. I sense it.
Well, I guess I'll go home now
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.
You're busted, box boy!
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!
I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?
I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!
You're too late! It's ours now!
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
they're on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You're not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I'm going to Tacoma.
- And you?
- He really is dead.
All right.
Uh-oh!
- What is that?!
- Oh, no!
- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.
But don't kill no more bugs!
- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!
- You hear something?
- Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.
I mean, that honey's ours.
- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.
It's a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?
Oh, my!
What's going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!
That's a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There's hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He's been talking to humans.
- What?
- Talking to humans?!
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
- That would hurt.
- No.
Up the nose? That's a killer.
There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
It's a common name. Next week...
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...
Next week...
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.
Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!
I'm helping him sue the human race.
- Hello.
- Hello, bee.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.
But it's our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
- Frosting...
- How many sugars?
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you're three.
And artificial flowers.
- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able
to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!
It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It's pretty big, isn't it?
I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.
Well, if it isn't the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn't some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.
I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.
It's important to all bees.
We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
- No.
- I couldn't hear you.
- No.
- No.
Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
They're very lovable creatures.
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
You mean like this?
Bears kill bees!
How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!
OK, that's enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.
- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.
But you've never been
a police officer, have you?
No, I haven't.
No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.
Oh, please.
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.
Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
That's not his real name?! You idiots!
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.
Thank you. Thank you.
I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome
with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!
This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!
Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!
- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!
Order! Order, I say!
- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.
I think the jury's on our side.
Are we doing everything right, legally?
I'm a florist.
Right. Well, here's to a great team.
To a great team!
Well, hello.
- Ken!
- Hello.
I didn't think you were coming.
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.
I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
Oh, that was lucky.
There's a little left.
I could heat it up.
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.
I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.
That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.
You think I don't see what you're doing?
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.
Do we?
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That's just what
I was thinking about doing.
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
I'm going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that.
Look at that.
You know, I've just about had it
with your little mind games.
- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.
A lot of ads.
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!
I think something stinks in here!
I love the smell of flowers.
How do you like the smell of flames?!
Not as much.
Water bug! Not taking sides!
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!
I've got issues!
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
- You're bluffing.
- Am I?
Surf's up, dude!
Poo water!
That bowl is gnarly.
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!
We need to talk!
He's just a little bee!
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!
Goodbye, Ken.
And for your information,
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!
I'm sorry about all that.
I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.
I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.
Are you OK for the trial?
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...
Yeah.
Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic
with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.
Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around
is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.
- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.
What exactly is your relationship
to that woman?
We're friends.
- Good friends?
- Yes.
How good? Do you live together?
Wait a minute...
Are you her little...
...bedbug?
I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,
doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?
- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!
- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!
Hold me back!
You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?
He's denouncing bees!
Don't y'all date your cousins?
- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!
Oh, I'm hit!!
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order!
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!
You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!
Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!
- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison
from my heaving buttocks?
I will have order in this court. Order!
Order, please!
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race
took a pointed turn against the bees
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.
I...
I blew the whole case, didn't I?
It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
Look, there's
a little celery still on it.
What was it like to sting someone?
I can't explain it. It was all...
All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!
All right.
You think it was all a trap?
Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.
What will the humans do to us
if they win?
I don't know.
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!
Oh, my.
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?
- Why?
- The smoke.
Bees don't smoke.
Right. Bees don't smoke.
Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.
That's it! That's our case!
It is? It's not over?
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman.
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
Where is the rest of your team?
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
and as a result,
we don't make very good time.
I actually heard a funny story about...
Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs
taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.
But you can't! We have a terrific case.
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?
Show me the smoking gun!
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?
Here is your smoking gun.
What is that?
It's a bee smoker!
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?
This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.
Look at what has happened
to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"
Is this what nature intended for us?
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?
- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
The court finds in favor of the bees!
Vanessa, we won!
I knew you could do it! High-five!
Sorry.
I'm OK! You know what this means?
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.
Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.
You'll regret this.
Barry, how much honey is out there?
All right. One at a time.
Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.
- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?
We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,
every last drop.
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.
We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.
Wait for my signal.
Take him out.
He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...
But it's just a prance-about stage name!
...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.
Oan't breathe.
Bring it in, boys!
Hold it right there! Good.
Tap it.
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!
- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.
Shut down honey production!
Stop making honey!
Turn your key, sir!
What do we do now?
Oannonball!
We're shutting honey production!
Mission abort.
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.
Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.
Oh, yeah?
What's going on? Where is everybody?
- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.
They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.
At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?
It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.
And now...
Now I can't.
I don't understand
why they're not happy.
I thought their lives would be better!
They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.
You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?
- What did you want to show me?
- This.
What happened here?
That is not the half of it.
Oh, no. Oh, my.
They're all wilting.
Doesn't look very good, does it?
No.
And whose fault do you think that is?
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.
Bees?
Specifically, me.
I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.
It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
That's our whole SAT test right there.
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.
And then, of course...
The human species?
So if there's no more pollination,
it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?
I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact?
How do we do it?
- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.
Right, right.
Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.
I had to open my mouth and talk.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.
They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.
It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.
I know. Me neither.
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
Roses!
Vanessa!
Roses?!
Barry?
- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.
Flowers, bees, pollen!
I know.
That's why this is the last parade.
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down?
Barry!
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.
Yes, it kind of is.
I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you
with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.
Actually, it's completely closed down.
I thought maybe you were remodeling.
But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.
I don't want to hear it!
All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.
I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.
All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.
- Bees.
- Park.
- Pollen!
- Flowers.
- Repollination!
- Across the nation!
Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.
They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
Security will be tight.
I have an idea.
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
Official floral business. It's real.
Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.
Thank you. It was a gift.
Once inside,
we just pick the right float.
How about The Princess and the Pea?
I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!
Yes, I got it.
- Where should I sit?
- What are you?
- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?
It goes under the mattresses.
- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.
You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!
Let's see what this baby'll do.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...
...without arousing suspicion.
Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.
Stop! Security.
- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.
Has it been
in your possession the entire time?
Would you remove your shoes?
- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.
I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.
Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!
I think this is gonna work.
It's got to work.
Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.
We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.
It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.
Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.
I gotta get up there
and talk to them.
Be careful.
Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?
I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.
- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.
Bee!
Don't freak out! My entire species...
What are you doing?
- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?
Don't move.
Oh, Barry.
Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?
And please hurry!
What happened here?
There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.
One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!
- Is that another bee joke?
- No!
No one's flying the plane!
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?
This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.
Where's the pilot?
He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.
Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?
As a matter of fact, there is.
- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.
It's got giant wings, huge engines.
I can't fly a plane.
- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.
How hard could it be?
Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.
This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
where a suspenseful scene
is developing.
Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...
That's Barry!
...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers
and an incapacitated flight crew.
Flowers?!
We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls
with absolutely no flight experience.
Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.
I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.
They've done enough damage.
But isn't he your only hope?
Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.
Their wings are too small...
Haven't we heard this a million times?
"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."
- Get this on the air!
- Got it.
- Stand by.
- We're going live.
The way we work may be a mystery to you.
Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.
But let me tell you about a small job.
If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.
More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.
That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.
That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.
We get behind a fellow.
- Black and yellow!
- Hello!
Left, right, down, hover.
- Hover?
- Forget hover.
This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Barry, what happened?!
Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.
- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!
Move out!
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!
Don't have to yell.
I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.
It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!
It's not a tone. I'm panicking!
I can't do this!
Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!
You snap out of it.
You snap out of it.
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.
How is the plane flying?
I don't know.
Hello?
Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?
The Pollen Jocks!
They do get behind a fellow.
- Black and yellow.
- Hello.
All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.
Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?
No, nothing. It's all cloudy.
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.
- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
Bring the nose down.
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.
Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?
Affirmative!
Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.
Land on that flower!
Ready? Full reverse!
Spin it around!
- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?
- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!
That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower
made of millions of bees!
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
Rotate around it.
- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?
Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!
Just drop it. Be a part of it.
Aim for the center!
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
Oome on, already.
Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!
- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.
Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?
What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!
- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.
Listen, everyone!
This runway is covered
with the last pollen
from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.
That means this is our last chance.
We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.
If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?
Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?
We're bees!
Keychain!
Then follow me! Except Keychain.
Hold on, Barry. Here.
You've earned this.
Yeah!
I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
Oh, yeah.
That's our Barry.
Mom! The bees are back!
If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.
I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!
Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?
Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!
Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!
I had no idea.
Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?
Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.
Sorry I'm late.
He's a lawyer too?
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.
Have a great afternoon!
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.
No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.
You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?
All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.
Thank you, Barry!
That bee is living my life!
Let it go, Kenny.
- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.
- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.
Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.
You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.
- Thinking bee!
- Me?
Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?
I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!
All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
Reviewer:
Preston W Ray
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
October 28, 2022
Subject: My Butt hurts
Subject: My Butt hurts
I was playing this game and I think fortnite is better because you cant build or kill people in this game, I like killing people and I bought bullets and when I did not have enough money so the clerk said bend over for free bullets and I did and he FORCEFULLY put it in and went hard and gave me no bullets I think fortnite is better
Reviewer:
TAI SHIRATA
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 17, 2022
Subject: i miss her
Subject: i miss her
i miss her
Reviewer:
TRISTAN SUKHRAM
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 17, 2022
Subject: Great game
Subject: Great game
For all the times that you rained on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl, for goodness sake
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't
And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't, but you still hit my phone up
And baby, I'll be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
But now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't, but you still hit my phone up
And baby, I'll be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
But now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
For all the times that you made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
I never felt so low and I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself (yeah)
And if you think (you think) that I'm (that I'm)
Still holdin' on to somethin' (holdin' on, no)
You should go and love yourself
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl, for goodness sake
You think I'm crying on my own, well I ain't
And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't, but you still hit my phone up
And baby, I'll be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
But now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from
And I didn't wanna write a song
'Cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't, but you still hit my phone up
And baby, I'll be movin' on
And I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
But now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
For all the times that you made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
I never felt so low and I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby, you should go and love yourself (yeah)
And if you think (you think) that I'm (that I'm)
Still holdin' on to somethin' (holdin' on, no)
You should go and love yourself
Reviewer:
Tristan Schindler
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 10, 2022
Subject: MMMMM DADDDYYYYYYYY
Subject: MMMMM DADDDYYYYYYYY
This makes me want to scream daddy
Reviewer:
Kiran Simons
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 9, 2022
Subject: alwj
Subject: alwj
this game smells coconut oh right i live in india and play battleflied 2042 its so bad i mean battle filed 2042 is bad like cum on i hate that game wiat i live LA calopoopoo land
Reviewer:
Corey Bennett
-
favorite -
May 31, 2022
Subject: oh wrd
Subject: oh wrd
This musty dusty crusty old ahhh game cuh actin like a zesty orange twinkie that likes fortnite... no cap.
Reviewer:
Ryan Das
-
favorite -
May 17, 2022
Subject: Fortnite is better
Subject: Fortnite is better
I dont like this game. I like fortnite better. Plus dis game look so old
Reviewer:
Chase Sweigart
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 10, 2022
Subject: Childhood
Subject: Childhood
This game was my favorite childhood game. Coming back to it is so nostalgic. Also, this is one of the best games ever - WAY better than Fortnite.
Reviewer:
andyjacksonisacannibal32968
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 10, 2022
Subject: help
Subject: help
i was forced by my teacher Mr Hall to play this game it was torture pls send help
Reviewer:
Noah Kolden
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 4, 2022
Subject: ur father
Subject: ur father
this is totally sheesh worthy and doesn't smell like melted toenails
Reviewer:
Gwynevere Sinkhorn
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 27, 2022
Subject: Omg
Subject: Omg
The first time I played this game it was a little slow but it's still my fav
Reviewer:
Daniel Martin317
-
favorite -
April 22, 2022
Subject: yes
Subject: yes
this game is glizzy water plus ratio bozo plus notpushinp plus youngboy superior ez dubs plus yall are a bunch of sped kids plus dorian finney smith is the best nba player of all time plus black air force ones are top tier plus mac 10 in cod mobile needs to be nerfed it is too op plus jamal airballs 2 footers
Reviewer:
William Orcutt
-
-
April 21, 2022
Subject: ratio
Subject: ratio
Fortnite is better because this is to hard cause their it is really hard to find people
Reviewer:
Draven Zurcher
-
favorite -
April 20, 2022
Subject: no milk
Subject: no milk
fortnite is better bcuz u can crank 90s and u can loot chests on fortnite is just a better game bcuz ur mom gae bozu ur dad didnt come back with the milk bcuz ur mom gae bozu + ratio + yb better +yeat better + black air forces + school shooter + quandale dingle + quindarious figgle bottom + farquaad jiggle cheeks is better
Reviewer:
Juan Marquez Carrillo
-
favorite -
April 18, 2022
Subject: idk
Subject: idk
this game low key is glizzy water my sons kept dying and the hog rida card is to op im gonna go to this inventors house and kidnap himand yeet him out da window
Reviewer:
Jacob McLaughlin
-
favorite -
April 18, 2022
Subject: Miner is to op
Subject: Miner is to op
the miner card in clash royale is to op and needs to be nerfed. PLease nerf miner supercell its to op
Reviewer:
Hayden Cotterell
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 18, 2022
Subject: how hog rider needs to be in faze
Subject: how hog rider needs to be in faze
hog rider is a legend and every noob is in faze thats why if hog rider is in faze everybody will become better.
Reviewer:
Evan Modie
-
favorite -
April 18, 2022
Subject: fortnite better
Subject: fortnite better
dis game is bad i dont like it i think that fortnite is better bc i can crank 90s and destroy my dead fuather in da game and box him up like a fish get dat golden scar and beam ppl like ur mum and ur dad doin it a whole nuver stake ;) hehehhehehe ratio+ybbetter+black airforce1s+quiet kid+ bozo+ my sis and a peedifile+
Reviewer:
Lakota Johnson
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 22, 2022
Subject: 5 stars good game
Subject: 5 stars good game
Good game. Hello Mr. Hedrick's class
I have a record score of 17,364 points.
I swear Im not lying.
@Danica because I forgot to during the BLM assignment
I have a record score of 17,364 points.
I swear Im not lying.
@Danica because I forgot to during the BLM assignment
Reviewer:
Harrison Barclay
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 22, 2022
Subject: good
Subject: good
whats good my boys anyways and stuff I played and died and won and stuff and those is a good game and stu8df stay cool my homies
Reviewer:
Benjamin Romano2026
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 10, 2022
Subject: Snoop Dawg got in faze
Subject: Snoop Dawg got in faze
As I was playing this gam I could never find out how to open chest and edit so that I could box my teamates like a fish and elimanate them with firflies and get easy wins and dubs but yea there was no ar ammo and i really needed some to ratio my enimeis like bozoze and ratio them on ticktoke with my gold scar that i stole from ninja yea thats right guys i killed ninja in fortnite and here hoe so basicly i saw him and shot him sniper in the hed and hee waz mad and there was his a streem and he reported me for stream sniping and i won the game and then i had to eat my cat litter for dinner nah im just kidding i would never do that that is grose but goodbly yoo bussy sakas.
Reviewer:
Sirus Lawson
-
favorite -
March 2, 2022
Subject: Not Better Than Fortnite
Subject: Not Better Than Fortnite
Im sorry its a good game and all but its not that good they dont have turbo building in the game yet and when im trying to find players it is really challenging to big of a map and also the item shop must be glitched because there are no skins! and Youngboy better
Reviewer:
denzil lane
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
February 9, 2022
Subject: what happend to my place
Subject: what happend to my place
My record of 6,700 wasnt on legends list
Reviewer:
enzobruvver
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 5, 2022
Subject: awesome :)
Subject: awesome :)
it was good :) very easy if you rest. overall 10/10
Reviewer:
Sans The Skeleton326
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
December 6, 2021
Subject: Nice
Subject: Nice
I used to love this game and I finally became a trail guide as a Teacher YAY!
Reviewer:
Jack Hart655
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 18, 2021
Subject: awsome!!!!!!!!
Subject: awsome!!!!!!!!
me and my class mates love this game i hope the keep good games coming
Reviewer:
Bobin36042
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
September 20, 2021
Subject: Tremendous
Subject: Tremendous
I'm top on the leader-board as a farmer! Yay! It is not that hard but it takes a long time but you could get it with any occupation.
And by the way if it fails to download you are not on a stable internet so don't give crappy reviews, or just don't review at all :>
And by the way if it fails to download you are not on a stable internet so don't give crappy reviews, or just don't review at all :>
Reviewer:
IBRAHIM COPPIN
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 15, 2021
Subject: Very good game
Subject: Very good game
Very great
Reviewer:
QueenAllonah
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 3, 2021
Subject: Good Game
Subject: Good Game
Good Game Good Game Good Game
Reviewer:
tommy_418
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 5, 2021
Subject: THOMAS LEVAC
Subject: THOMAS LEVAC
THOMAS LEVAC NE MESURENT PAS 6 PIED !!!
Reviewer:
ANIKI NOUN
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 23, 2021
Subject: Oregon Trail Review
Subject: Oregon Trail Review
PLZZZZ play this game, it is so fun even though this game is really old. Sorry I couldn't say a whole lot of this game.
Reviewer:
beastydefault
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 1, 2021
Subject: good
Subject: good
great game from the 90s
Reviewer:
Download Finder 007
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 22, 2021
Subject: THANKS
Subject: THANKS
THE MOST POPULAR GAMES FOR WINDOWS: 👇
https://filehare.com/category/windows/games/
https://filehare.com/category/windows/games/
Reviewer:
Silas Pedretti
-
favorite -
March 17, 2021
Subject: not good
Subject: not good
it will not allowed me to play it say: failed emulator
:(
:(
Reviewer:
Moonstoper11
-
favorite -
March 15, 2021
Subject: it takes forever to load
Subject: it takes forever to load
it takes forever to load
Reviewer:
David Sabilia
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
March 8, 2021
Subject: Fail start
Subject: Fail start
Does anyone encounter a problem now that flash has been disabled?
Reviewer:
Leslie Sunderland
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 3, 2021
Subject: ~Leslie Sunderland
Subject: ~Leslie Sunderland
ILOVETHIS!
Reviewer:
Ria Waymouth
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 15, 2021
Subject: I LOVE THIS APP!!
Subject: I LOVE THIS APP!!
THIS APP IS SO DOPE!!!! I LOVE IT!!
Reviewer:
Mariela Rosas
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 11, 2021
Subject: Oregon Trail Game
Subject: Oregon Trail Game
I haven´t played this game in years, and may I say things have improved big time. The graphics, sound, and other elements extend the gameplay of the original. But they also kinda improved. Still, you might still enjoy the original because of its originality. It even has a map/guide that gives you information about the locations you are at in the game. Overall, this is a good game. But some people might still enjoy the original, better than the more.. updated version. - Mariela Rosas - Ms.Foos - 7th
Reviewer:
Allan Yamada
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 6, 2021
Subject: Very sick game
Subject: Very sick game
perfectly the way i remember it, even if my memories are commit haze because i was 5
even the "exit to DOS," which i always got stuck on because even now i'm not a computer programmer level IQ
even the "exit to DOS," which i always got stuck on because even now i'm not a computer programmer level IQ
Reviewer:
Kaden Bolton
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 2, 2021
Subject: Honest Opinion
Subject: Honest Opinion
Dog water kid JK it is a good game that I played for a while during school.
Reviewer:
3Miner6
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 25, 2021
Subject: Classics
Subject: Classics
A type of game that i have played for years, a classic game that will probably never die, and the only official way to play it is on this website which i use a lot for stuff.
Reviewer:
Present mic Gay
-
favorite -
January 21, 2021
Subject: This game is so not good
Subject: This game is so not good
To play it not looking for a phone or a computer for school why this is stupid
Reviewer:
penelopsie
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 13, 2021
Subject: League of Legends
Subject: League of Legends
Made it to first place B)
Reviewer:
spicecode
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 19, 2020
Subject: 10/10
Subject: 10/10
Way better than fortnite.
Reviewer:
CommonChel
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
September 26, 2020
Subject: List of Legends
Subject: List of Legends
At the top of the list. ;)
Reviewer:
abbygamer96
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
September 20, 2020
Subject: New and Improved
Subject: New and Improved
This game is a new and improved version of the Oregon Trail in 1992. It has improved graphics, sound, and other elements that extend the gameplay of the original. Still, you might still enjoy the original because of its originality and familiarity. I like this version because it extends on the original version and allows you to do more on the game. It even has a guide that tells you about the locations you are at in the game. Overall, this is a good game. But some people might still enjoy the original.
Reviewer:
maran!
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
August 23, 2020
Subject: Awesome!!! Thank you!
Subject: Awesome!!! Thank you!
If I had to make a list of ten formative experiences of being a grade-school aged kid in the late 1980s in the US, playing Oregon Trail (probably on an Apple IIe in the school library) as one of the first, if not the first, experiences, ever, with a computer would be on that list. And Number Munchers, another very important MECC (I think it was MECC?) game. :) Thanks for providing the opportunity for us to play this game! My only complaint is I don't think this is the same as the Apple IIe version, but that's not really a fair complaint, so five stars, five stars.
Reviewer:
flowerpower123
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
July 23, 2020
Subject: 15 years old and still playing!
Subject: 15 years old and still playing!
I love this game! I remember playing this game in 4th grade and I've loved it ever since. I am now in high school and still find this game very entertaining (yes, I know I'm a little weird). I really enjoy taking different people and trying out new strategies. So far, my highest score has been 5,840 and #2 on the List of Legends! 10/10, Would Recommend!
Reviewer:
Droody
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 3, 2020
Subject: Good Improvements, Yet Lacks Simplicity
Subject: Good Improvements, Yet Lacks Simplicity
The sound and graphics of the original have been totally overhauled for the better. The trade system and UI are now, in my opinion, a bit too complicated now. However, this is still a great game you deserve to play.
Reviewer:
Jax7up
-
favorite -
April 10, 2020
Subject: Doesn't seem to work
Subject: Doesn't seem to work
I can't move the mouse or make any selection of. :(
Reviewer:
Cutiepatooty123
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 31, 2020
Subject: Finally Can Play This!
Subject: Finally Can Play This!
Love how I can finally play The Old Time, Elementary School Favorite.<--That I played once for some odd reason at school. Well, at least now, I can play it whenever I want to...& yes, I grew up in the 1990's Kids.
This Version though, 1. Someone ends-up Sick, 2. Then, I Loose the Trail for some odd reason.
All most made it my 1st round, too! A Thief stole all 4 of My Oxen that I had at the beginning of this game.
This Version though, 1. Someone ends-up Sick, 2. Then, I Loose the Trail for some odd reason.
All most made it my 1st round, too! A Thief stole all 4 of My Oxen that I had at the beginning of this game.
Reviewer:
D1-T0
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 27, 2020
Subject: Perfect life fo Simple Rick
Subject: Perfect life fo Simple Rick
Simple Rick's new flavour - Taste of Oregon!
Now with 20% more snake bites!
Now with 20% more snake bites!
Reviewer:
jerrygerardo
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 24, 2020
Subject: love this game
Subject: love this game
started as a teacher, ended as a lone survivor and number six on list of legends
Reviewer:
Uzair Ahmed678
-
favorite -
January 16, 2020
Subject: Game not working
Subject: Game not working
What does this mean "Failed to download game data!"
Reviewer:
star844
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 11, 2019
Subject: star844
Subject: star844
This is the best game ever! Make more like this. Also, in the last to games, I have gotten into the List of Legends!
Reviewer:
Grayson Romney
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 8, 2019
Subject: Super fun game
Subject: Super fun game
this is a super fun game and teaches you at the same time! it toke a while to load but besides that it was a great game.
Reviewer:
l.clegg1978
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 4, 2019
Subject: Brings back good memories!
Subject: Brings back good memories!
I remember playing Oregon Trail when I was a kid in School during the 1980's! My Teacher said that this game helps you stay focused. My Teacher was right! Now as a grown man, I'm more focus now more than ever! Great memories, good times! (Not the "Good Times" 70's Sitcom, it was not all that good; surprised it stayed on air for six seasons.)
Reviewer:
ForOldHack
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
October 19, 2018
Subject: The Cook. ( A math solution that renders the problem i.e. High Score, moot )
Subject: The Cook. ( A math solution that renders the problem i.e. High Score, moot )
We played this game on the Macs in the lab, and it got competitive. Many players killed an wiped out. UNTIL
I did a spread sheet ROI ( Return on investment ) and found that the trading of 1 clothing for 1 ox netted you $10 with no movement...
Next we all started as teachers, just enough stuff to race to the end, no food ( hunting scarcity was a myth ), and waited near the end, and traded ox for clothing, until you got so bored...
You have to stock up with everything at the beginning, and run the trail so you don't fall short, then at the very end, you trade everything for oxen, then trade all that for clothes, and then its trade 1 clothes for 1 ox, until you get to 20 oxen, then trade for up to 50 clothes, then sell them for 10 a piece, and start back trading for 1 ox for 1 clothes ( $10 profit ).
I was the first to get to 100,000 and a pair of students worked on a saved game for a semester until they got to 1 million.
They should have made this particular trade rare as hell.
I did a spread sheet ROI ( Return on investment ) and found that the trading of 1 clothing for 1 ox netted you $10 with no movement...
Next we all started as teachers, just enough stuff to race to the end, no food ( hunting scarcity was a myth ), and waited near the end, and traded ox for clothing, until you got so bored...
You have to stock up with everything at the beginning, and run the trail so you don't fall short, then at the very end, you trade everything for oxen, then trade all that for clothes, and then its trade 1 clothes for 1 ox, until you get to 20 oxen, then trade for up to 50 clothes, then sell them for 10 a piece, and start back trading for 1 ox for 1 clothes ( $10 profit ).
I was the first to get to 100,000 and a pair of students worked on a saved game for a semester until they got to 1 million.
They should have made this particular trade rare as hell.
Reviewer:
kcolopen2
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
October 16, 2018
Subject: LIST OF LEGENDS
Subject: LIST OF LEGENDS
Al Smithee is the name and Oregon Trail is the game. I remember playing this in 5th grade. It was soo frustrating. I can't imagine how it must have been for the real people on the trail.
Reviewer:
bambithedear
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
October 14, 2018
Subject: awesome
Subject: awesome
I loved this game in school and was looking everywhere for it. thanks guys and gals for sharing this with us all.
Reviewer:
readingredaugust
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
August 2, 2018
Subject: Great Game
Subject: Great Game
I played this game a few years ago, and I loved it! This game works really well on our computer.
Reviewer:
kumar108
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
July 2, 2018
Subject: Really Fun Game
Subject: Really Fun Game
I got into the list of legends as Maro
Reviewer:
shopgirlkc
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 27, 2018
Subject: Scoring Info
Subject: Scoring Info
Reviewer:
Myndracat
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 10, 2018
Subject: Good Old Days
Subject: Good Old Days
Best game back in the old days. I have loved this game since I played it in elementary school like 5th grade!!
Reviewer:
brickster1001
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 3, 2018
Subject: Great game!
Subject: Great game!
I made it to the List of Legends at #5 aka ASSHOLE. This is also a very valuable teaching lesson to elementary school kids. I'm surprised the List of Legends still works as of 2018! Lovely!
Reviewer:
J4ckattack
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 19, 2018
Subject: Very good game
Subject: Very good game
Extremely fun and addicting! I love it!!
Reviewer:
Yeagergotpeekz
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 10, 2018
Subject: great game not r6 level fun tho
Subject: great game not r6 level fun tho
When you get #1 on leaderboard EZ
Reviewer:
Andrew Denning
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 4, 2018
Subject: Amazing game
Subject: Amazing game
I honestly love this game I can't win with everyone alive tho Literally at the last second before I started going down the river my first guy died I was so triggered
Reviewer:
Ripcord
-
-
March 29, 2018
Subject: Ignore the warning
Subject: Ignore the warning
The red warning notice "This Item May Contain
Broken or Empty Data - Are you sure you want to continue?" is bogus. Ignore it. This game loads and runs fine.
Broken or Empty Data - Are you sure you want to continue?" is bogus. Ignore it. This game loads and runs fine.
Reviewer:
PuppyBoy105
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 15, 2018
Subject: life
Subject: life
it is life
Reviewer:
antonika123
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 6, 2018
Subject: i love it
Subject: i love it
its so good , i cant stop playing this all day
Reviewer:
EthanE.
-
favoritefavorite -
November 30, 2017
Subject: Fun Game, if it works!
Subject: Fun Game, if it works!
This game never loads for me and says that the download failed so I can rarely play the game.
Reviewer:
Axel Slingerland
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
October 24, 2017
Subject: Cool Game
Subject: Cool Game
I liked this game back in the old days. It was pretty easy to get a pretty good score. You just hunt all the time, taking 200 lbs of food at a time, and when you get to at least 1,200 lbs you sell it off for $200.00 at a time. If you were to buy 500 lbs of food from the forts it would cost you a small fortune, but if you sell it for $200.00 at a time, for anywhere up to however much you want to part with, you can make a pile of money. When your people get sick you rest for a few days until they are in "good" health again. So it's a good idea to start as early in spring as possible.
Reviewer:
summer mayo
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
July 1, 2017
Subject: Helpful
Subject: Helpful
This game was very helpful to me and i loved it!
Reviewer:
Lauren schmalle
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 8, 2017
Subject: I Won
Subject: I Won
I lost 2 people while I was on this adventure and I lost an oxen but I am glad I didn't lose again like I did the first time.
I love this game so much.
I love this game so much.
Reviewer:
mistranslatedcaptain
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 14, 2017
Subject: Oh to be out on the range
Subject: Oh to be out on the range
Riding the prairie
through cactus laden valleys,
jackrabbit spotted on the ground and vultures fly overhead
cattle graze on that sweet sweet hillside grass
We gather around a campfire and tell stories about the gold claim that never was
lay back on you saddle blankets, pull your hat over you eyes and fall asleep under the moonlight dreaming about nothing except the countryside you grew up on
waking up early in the morning, hooking the oxen up to the wagon and hitting the trail before noon.
Sarah, bless her heart, Sarah comes down with dysentery, and she breaks a leg. A cattle runs free and we spend an entire day looking for it but it can never go back to domesticated life even if we find it.
Sarah passes away from dysentery, bless her heart, and we have to bury her. We erect a gravestone that reads "Here lies Sarah, she died of dysentery...
lol, that's super diarrhea"
She would have wanted it that way.
But on the upside we can finally up our meal rations to full and live like kings all the way to Oregon.
through cactus laden valleys,
jackrabbit spotted on the ground and vultures fly overhead
cattle graze on that sweet sweet hillside grass
We gather around a campfire and tell stories about the gold claim that never was
lay back on you saddle blankets, pull your hat over you eyes and fall asleep under the moonlight dreaming about nothing except the countryside you grew up on
waking up early in the morning, hooking the oxen up to the wagon and hitting the trail before noon.
Sarah, bless her heart, Sarah comes down with dysentery, and she breaks a leg. A cattle runs free and we spend an entire day looking for it but it can never go back to domesticated life even if we find it.
Sarah passes away from dysentery, bless her heart, and we have to bury her. We erect a gravestone that reads "Here lies Sarah, she died of dysentery...
lol, that's super diarrhea"
She would have wanted it that way.
But on the upside we can finally up our meal rations to full and live like kings all the way to Oregon.
Reviewer:
DJ - Roblox And More
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
May 3, 2017
Subject: Good Game!
Subject: Good Game!
This Help me alot with my school project
Reviewer:
KrispyChicken
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 26, 2017
Subject: I agree with the Awkward Hobo
Subject: I agree with the Awkward Hobo
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THROOOOOOOWBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK BOIIIIIIIIIIII
Reviewer:
Awkward Hobo
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 26, 2017
Subject: FUCK ME UP!
Subject: FUCK ME UP!
THROWBACK!!!!!!!!!!
Reviewer:
wcampbell1144
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 18, 2017
Subject: LOVE IT! I BEAT IT!
Subject: LOVE IT! I BEAT IT!
Better than The Oregon Trail 1
Reviewer:
Tris082405
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 7, 2017
Subject: I LOVE THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!
Subject: I LOVE THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!
This was a great game. if any of you love divergent plz leave a comment below saying so. Anyways I named my people: Tris Four Al Will and Christina all from divergent. I love this game it is so amazing!!!
Reviewer:
SamOP
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 5, 2017
Subject: GOOD GAME
Subject: GOOD GAME
very good but kind of glitchy
Reviewer:
trystan rogers
-
favorite -
March 19, 2017
Subject: not working
Subject: not working
the game will not download
Reviewer:
samntony2017
-
-
March 15, 2017
Subject: wont download
Subject: wont download
i cant get it to download. i have an android samsung tablet and i love this game and would to be able to play the game on my tablet, is there anyway or anywhere i can download or play?
Reviewer:
Cake123
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 15, 2017
Subject: SoSo
Subject: SoSo
I love to play the game but is kinda glitchy so I always need to log out of my account and then resign in. But in the end if it does't glitch it is super fun!!!
Reviewer:
Baxyyyyyyyyyy
-
favorite -
March 8, 2017
Subject: Uggggggg
Subject: Uggggggg
It did not work for me and was very laggy when I tried
Reviewer:
KcSamurai
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 16, 2016
Subject: Poor Melissa
Subject: Poor Melissa
To have traveled so far and lost Melissa to typhoid fever was almost more than I could bear. It was painful. Heartwrenching. I didn't know if I could continue any further. But then I saw my four children and knew instantly I must carry on. If not for me, for them.
Reviewer:
CPTCharizard01
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
November 1, 2016
Subject: good game
Subject: good game
This Game is great I have played this game many times at school and at the time of this review I have beat it once
Reviewer:
JRoyle411
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
August 18, 2016
Subject: A Welcome Memory From My Childhood.
Subject: A Welcome Memory From My Childhood.
I loved playing this game on floppy disk....years later I loved playing this game on CD......and now I get to love it all over again. Even though it's unnecessary, I still shoot way more than I can carry when hunting.....and I always will. :)
Reviewer:
LBowman
-
favoritefavorite -
August 1, 2016
Subject: Worked before, not now.
Subject: Worked before, not now.
I used to use this with my homeschooled kids, but over the summer, it stopped working. Disappointed, they loved this game. And I loved sharing a game that I played in school with them.
Reviewer:
WhiskeyBob
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
July 21, 2016
Subject: Free
Subject: Free
Is this game free to download, or it still is commercial? Wanna play it. )
Reviewer:
Silverblossom
-
-
July 5, 2016
Subject: Not working
Subject: Not working
I think I doing something wrong? I can't get it to play at all.
Reviewer:
theversionofthetaleistwisted
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
June 23, 2016
Subject: Me?
Subject: Me?
Please don`t tell me I`m the only one playing this because of the Team Starkid musical.... This game is really good. Great to see it online.
Reviewer:
Fyston
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 12, 2016
Subject: Historically Accurate
Subject: Historically Accurate
Upon reaching Fort Laramie, I ensured that I had enough supplies and continued on my journey. Immediately, a thief stole all 12 of my oxen. I laughed, traded all of my remaining money for more oxen, and continued. Almost immediately, a thief stole 100 bullets. No big deal, I have many more. Then, one of my party members got dysentary, typhoid, and a broken arm in the span of 3 days. Again, I laughed, and rested to allow him his rest. While resting, another thief stole all 10 of my oxen. I remember this game fondly and only wonder how a 5 year old could actually do relatively well given all of the ox thievery.
Reviewer:
spookyghost...
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 17, 2016
Subject: Great
Subject: Great
It's a lot of fun my science teacher played it the whole class time
Reviewer:
prdavey
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 3, 2016
Subject: Awesome
Subject: Awesome
Using for a teaching tool in my class.
Reviewer:
jakeplaysdos
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 26, 2016
Subject: I love this game
Subject: I love this game
im 12 yrs old and im one of those rpg junkies and I thought I played them all when I came across this game I thought it was a fun educational adventure that I think should be tought in schools today!
Reviewer:
Gamer518
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 8, 2016
Subject: Gamer518 Review
Subject: Gamer518 Review
This video game is going on my top 10 video game's of all time.
Reviewer:
OregonMine
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 9, 2016
Subject: Love This Game
Subject: Love This Game
It brings me back to the 90s. I am the best!
Reviewer:
honu_
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 9, 2016
Subject: Amber
Subject: Amber
I made the top 10 twice. That means I really do not have a life. I wish they'd put the 96'~ version online. I've only played this version twice and I got the high scores. yay me?
Reviewer:
Gacnik_Tadej
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
December 22, 2015
Subject: Oregon trail deluxe <3
Subject: Oregon trail deluxe <3
This game was my first game and even not its still great can't belive i am 3rd on top ten well luck i guess ;)
Reviewer:
gbobbitadams
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
October 13, 2015
Subject: Mouse Issue
Subject: Mouse Issue
Here are instructions for Chrome browsers
In addition to enabling cookies for the site you need to allow at least this site the power to disable the cursor so you can use the game's cursor to play the game. Here's how:
1. Click the menu icon/the 3 horizontal lines at the upper left of your browser
2. Click on "Settings"
3. Scroll down to bottom and click on "Show advanced settings..."
4. At the top of advanced settings is Privacy. click the button just beneath that says "Content settings..."
5. Scroll about 2/3's the way down until you see "Mouse Cursor"
6. Change this setting to "Ask when a site tries to disable the mouse cursor (recommended)"
7. Click done at the bottom right to save the changes
To be safe you may wish to restart your browser
Enjoy playing
In addition to enabling cookies for the site you need to allow at least this site the power to disable the cursor so you can use the game's cursor to play the game. Here's how:
1. Click the menu icon/the 3 horizontal lines at the upper left of your browser
2. Click on "Settings"
3. Scroll down to bottom and click on "Show advanced settings..."
4. At the top of advanced settings is Privacy. click the button just beneath that says "Content settings..."
5. Scroll about 2/3's the way down until you see "Mouse Cursor"
6. Change this setting to "Ask when a site tries to disable the mouse cursor (recommended)"
7. Click done at the bottom right to save the changes
To be safe you may wish to restart your browser
Enjoy playing
Reviewer:
Agent Thunder -
favoritefavorite -
September 16, 2015
Subject: Full Screen glitchout
Subject: Full Screen glitchout
When i full screen, it glitches out!
Reviewer:
bluewaterpig
-
-
September 8, 2015
Subject: Sound Isn't Working????
Subject: Sound Isn't Working????
Sound button has an X next to the speaker icon. When I click it, it says "This button only works once the emulation is running"...but it still doesnt work while running the game. Help??
Reviewer:
Katara20
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
September 6, 2015
Subject: Solution to the mouse problem
Subject: Solution to the mouse problem
Hello! I had the same problem with the mouse as other reviewers mentioned. I originally tried to play the game using safari, but the mouse would not move correctly. I tried using chrome and it worked! When the game loads, it should ask you if you want to disable the mouse cursor (say yes). This will cause the mouse to move properly during the game, although it will not let you move the mouse outside the game. If you want to move the mouse outside the game, press the esc key. Hope this helps :)
Note: I did not use firefox (only chrome) so I do not know if it has the same problem as safari.
Note: I did not use firefox (only chrome) so I do not know if it has the same problem as safari.
Reviewer:
r0llinlacs
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
July 7, 2015
Subject: fix for problems
Subject: fix for problems
cookies and history must be enabled for it to work. it works fine for me with firefox.
can be a little buggy, the sound stopped working on my last game, but i still give 5/5
can be a little buggy, the sound stopped working on my last game, but i still give 5/5
Reviewer:
rainboweater081
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
May 29, 2015
Subject: Ugh... Mouse Problem
Subject: Ugh... Mouse Problem
When I try to play this game, I can't go fullscreen and the mouse starts glutting out on me. I've played it on someone else's computer and it was fine, but now when I use this computer, there are some problems!
Reviewer:
bawanderr
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
April 29, 2015
Subject: Downloading, etc.
Subject: Downloading, etc.
Folks, you should actually Read all the comments before asking questions. One person told you there is no way to download because THERE IS NO DOWNLOAD BUTTON! She is correct. And for those who can't get it to work using Chrome, Firefox, Waterfox, Safari and so on, it works just fine - not a single glitch - on my old-fashioned PC using GC. Bear in mind this was made in 1992, well before PS, XBOX, etc. You're attempting to cross the West in a covered wagon pulled by oxen - NOT driving your new KIA on paved roads. That's likely a pretty decent comparison. Sorry for your problems (especially for the kid who got it to work during class but not later, wah) but sometimes you have to use the correct equipment, especially on a site that's providing you with free data that is ancient in terms of technology. That said, the original is much funner, imo. This one's waaay too easy. I'd never heard of either before today. Guess I'm just an old geezer -- but one that had no problems!
Reviewer:
Zwanklarver
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 22, 2015
Subject: Brilliant and addictive
Subject: Brilliant and addictive
Nice, nostalgic feel, too.
Reviewer:
abby<3 dogs -
-
April 17, 2015
Subject: Lovewith problems
Subject: Lovewith problems
I played this with my class. I was going to play it at home I went to play it and it just turned black. So, I got an account and it did the same thing. Does anybody know how to play this?If so email me at a.angelisanti.aa@gmail.com I really want to play tell me whats up with you to.I am not giving this a rating because I don't know if its good I played it one time.
Reviewer:
Mihers
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
April 9, 2015
Subject: No sound?
Subject: No sound?
I've been playing this with my class but I can't get any of the games to play with sound. Using Firefox on a mac.
Reviewer:
happydays5678
-
-
April 7, 2015
Subject: Getting past the store
Subject: Getting past the store
If you're having trouble getting past the store because you can't type in numbers, then on the previous screen where you type in your name don't use capital letters.
Using the shift key made it stop working for me.
Using the shift key made it stop working for me.
Reviewer:
jacobs.karli
-
-
April 5, 2015
Subject: THIS GAME IS USELESS!!
Subject: THIS GAME IS USELESS!!
I can't even get past the first page. This game is not worth your time!
Reviewer:
DandierBuckle15
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
April 1, 2015
Subject: It works cont.
Subject: It works cont.
I am on a mac book air, so I don't even have a num pad. However I have had no problems and neither has anyone at my school.
Reviewer:
Rockin' Kat -
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 31, 2015
Subject: stop trying to use the number pad and have more fun
Subject: stop trying to use the number pad and have more fun
Numlock! Without it, you can't use the number pad in DOS. If you can't enable it, stop getting stuck on this and use the number row instead. Problem, SOLVED. ;-)
Man... I just played Oregon Trail for the first time in a long time.... and for the first time ever, I actually got to the end of it without everybody dieing.
Man... I just played Oregon Trail for the first time in a long time.... and for the first time ever, I actually got to the end of it without everybody dieing.
Reviewer:
kkanakis
-
-
March 28, 2015
Subject: why can't I play?!
Subject: why can't I play?!
Can someone tell me why it wont work for me? I'm on a Mac. I've tried loading it on safari and on firefox as well.
Reviewer:
Chase Wells
-
favorite -
March 25, 2015
Subject: Lacks the charm of 1990 The Oregon Trail
Subject: Lacks the charm of 1990 The Oregon Trail
This game... is boring. Where the original 1990 version keeps you wanting to play over and over, I played this version one time (and made the top 10, but just like the 1990 version my top 10 score is not saved >> wtf, I earned a spot). I do not have any desire to try it again.. too bad the 1990 version is so glitchy! The deluxe edition is waaaaay too easy, and is played far to passively. You don't hardly do anything. The game just plays itself. Congrats you made it Oregon with no effort.
Go play the original version. I cannot stop playing the 1990 game for some reason. It is a shiny gem... where as the deluxe edition is more like a dull pile of buffalo chips.
Go play the original version. I cannot stop playing the 1990 game for some reason. It is a shiny gem... where as the deluxe edition is more like a dull pile of buffalo chips.
Reviewer:
carofran
-
-
March 19, 2015
Subject: wtf? please help
Subject: wtf? please help
when I click it the screen goes black and stays that way, is it the program or am I doing something wrong?
Reviewer:
zacinfinity
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
March 18, 2015
Subject: d'oh
Subject: d'oh
played in class and it was great! But now it fades to black and I cant play :( I'm using mac does it work on mac?
Reviewer:
reket
-
favorite -
March 16, 2015
Subject: Can't input numbers
Subject: Can't input numbers
For those of you who managed to play, how did you get past the store? I couldn't input any numbers to buy stuff, even with the number pad.
Reviewer:
max999999999
-
favorite -
March 6, 2015
Subject: it is pooop
Subject: it is pooop
it sucks booooooooooooooooooooo do not play
Reviewer:
Fireflys_thing
-
-
March 5, 2015
Subject: Games not working
Subject: Games not working
The game begins to work but when you get to the store it won't allow you to input any numbers to buy anything! So frustrating, I was so excited to play this!
Reviewer:
Mysfittt
-
-
March 2, 2015
Subject: Will not work
Subject: Will not work
I was so excited to play this game. Will not work on iPad or iPhone or laptop hoping it is up and running again soon
Reviewer:
Nighty!
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
February 1, 2015
Subject: EPIC!!!
Subject: EPIC!!!
Love it. Great to see The Oregon Trail again!!! I forgot how much fun it was!!!
Reviewer:
foreverfallon
-
favoritefavorite -
February 1, 2015
Subject: Problematic :/
Subject: Problematic :/
I was having fun playing this, and was more than halfway through the game, when my computer interrupted me with a dialogue box about Time Machine. After that I couldn't get the game to work again; I had the same problem that other people have mentioned with the game cursor not syncing up with my computer cursor. So I had to abandon my game. I hate starting over. If someone can find a solution to this issue, I'm all ears!
Reviewer:
aaladhamy
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 21, 2015
Subject: High Scores
Subject: High Scores
When I played as The Jacksons, I scored 11928!!!
Reviewer:
CaroCell
-
-
January 17, 2015
Subject: Doesn't work anymore !
Subject: Doesn't work anymore !
Since Jan, 14 can't run any game. The RUN link has disapeared and when I click on 'Begin' nothing happens :-(
Reviewer:
Bookbrowser56
-
favorite -
January 16, 2015
Subject: How do you download?
Subject: How do you download?
How do you download? I only have an option for 'stream'. How do you download?
Reviewer:
covinprohn
-
-
January 14, 2015
Subject: error
Subject: error
How come I cant go fullscreen or turn sound on, I click them but nothing happens!!!!
Reviewer:
Rebekahofsunnybrookfarm
-
favoritefavorite -
January 14, 2015
Subject: This was working now doesn't....
Subject: This was working now doesn't....
Okay it was working but now it doesn't. Seems there is a glitch between the dos game mouse pointer and the browser window mouse pointer. I was enjoying this game and now it doesn't work.
Reviewer:
ccarrml
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 14, 2015
Subject: Love it but...
Subject: Love it but...
How do you download?
Reviewer:
Renegade3plt
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 13, 2015
Subject: Can you make it as a teacher? lol
Subject: Can you make it as a teacher? lol
Gah this brings back some good (and angry) moments. Works great, and got my 5 year old playing it now. :) Played as a teacher and everyone survived for once. Score was 10,133! Not one bit ashamed to say I was pretty excited. ;) Thanks for the memories.
Reviewer:
TStitches
-
favorite -
January 11, 2015
Subject: -=upset=-
Subject: -=upset=-
No availability to download. I'm very upset!!! I wanted to play!!!
Reviewer:
kaylakinney2010
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 11, 2015
Subject: HAVING ISSUES?
Subject: HAVING ISSUES?
If you are having troubles, you can email Jason jason@textfiles.com, and ask him to help you with the game if you're having issues. It says it in the description of the original Oregon Trail game, I'm not sure why it wasn't put on here. Make sure you have all adware/popup blockers disabled, as they can cause the game to not work. These games were fairly recently put up, so they are still in the process of working out bugs.
The game is exactly as I remember it! Love it! Only wish I could figure out why I keep getting two pointers in-game, but pressing escape, followed by going back to fullscreen, help.
The game is exactly as I remember it! Love it! Only wish I could figure out why I keep getting two pointers in-game, but pressing escape, followed by going back to fullscreen, help.
Reviewer:
ChelseaJ
-
-
January 11, 2015
Subject: Can't Play
Subject: Can't Play
There are two mouse arrows when I try to play and the main one can't select the game options and the other is above it and can't be used to try and select anything. Please help.
Reviewer:
samantixx
-
-
January 11, 2015
Subject: I cant play!
Subject: I cant play!
I can't play or download. Help Please!
Reviewer:
ZOOS103
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 11, 2015
Subject: Great Experience
Subject: Great Experience
Thanks for the ability to play this timeless classic. Can YOU make it as a teacher?!?! :O
Reviewer:
Jason Goff
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 10, 2015
Subject: High Scores
Subject: High Scores
I was able to get 9911 high score, but I think you could actually increase your high score infinitely by exploiting the trading system while you are at a fort. Trade stuff at the fort for cash at a profit, then buy more at the general store and repeat the process, the forts never seem to run out of supplies..
I took a year to get to the end, but I didn't lose anyone along the way.. another exploit is the resting timer. You are never penalized for resting too much.. natives never attack, you never run out of water.. as long as you have enough food you can wait as long as you want to heal up your party members. 5 days rest, then 2 days rest after that cured just about every illness. Though some illnesses took almost a month to heal.
Also I decided to trade everything I own for cash at The Dalles before I went down rafting.. you don't need any other items for rafting.. though I did keep some sets of clothes and a little food for role play.
You get more points at the end for cash than for any other items, so I ended up with over 3200 dollars at the end of the trip by exploiting the trading system.. mostly I sold my extra food that I got from hunting along the way to other Wagoneers and Native Americans.
I took a year to get to the end, but I didn't lose anyone along the way.. another exploit is the resting timer. You are never penalized for resting too much.. natives never attack, you never run out of water.. as long as you have enough food you can wait as long as you want to heal up your party members. 5 days rest, then 2 days rest after that cured just about every illness. Though some illnesses took almost a month to heal.
Also I decided to trade everything I own for cash at The Dalles before I went down rafting.. you don't need any other items for rafting.. though I did keep some sets of clothes and a little food for role play.
You get more points at the end for cash than for any other items, so I ended up with over 3200 dollars at the end of the trip by exploiting the trading system.. mostly I sold my extra food that I got from hunting along the way to other Wagoneers and Native Americans.
Reviewer:
carbonsaab
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 9, 2015
Subject: High Scores
Subject: High Scores
Anyone understand how the high scores work? I just won with a score of 9125 and it listed me as the top score, and upon reload I disappeared.
Reviewer:
Ghecko
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 9, 2015
Subject: Read here is having issues.
Subject: Read here is having issues.
!st, the mouse works best in full screen. 2nd, if you can't type numbers in the store, you need to use the numpad. Not the numbers above the letter keys. For those without numpad, sorry.
Reviewer:
esteban22
-
-
January 9, 2015
Subject: Full Screen
Subject: Full Screen
I'm also having the issue with the full screen. I click Full Screen and nothing happens. If anyone finds a solution to this problem please post here.
Reviewer:
Hero-of-Sovngarde
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
January 9, 2015
Subject: TYPING
Subject: TYPING
I can't even start the game because for whatever reason none of the numbers on my laptops keyboard register in game. The 0's flash but my cost doesnt change. Many people have this problem and we'd all like to play. Downloaded firefox and couldnt even move the mouse around. Amazing website but too many bugs for me to enjoy.
Reviewer:
superann
-
favorite -
January 9, 2015
Subject: Can't buy anything in the store - can't type numbers
Subject: Can't buy anything in the store - can't type numbers
Trying to play on Google Chrome on a laptop. I can't get out of the first general store because it won't let me type in numbers! I'm using the numbers above the letter keys but still won't work. Cursor is also wonky but manageable if I go into fullscreen.
Reviewer:
Silfrenbirce
-
-
January 9, 2015
Subject: Continued problems
Subject: Continued problems
Since more than one person has pointed it out and STILL have gotten replies that ignore what they've said:
Putting this in full screen doesn't work for everyone, for some reason. I click it, and literally nothing happens. The other buttons work, namely the one to toggle between light and dark screens. But there is NO way, for some at least, to even put it into fullscreen in the first place. So if that does solve the problem of the cursor, great. But please stop ignoring that people have said more than once that the fullscreen toggle itself does not work.
Putting this in full screen doesn't work for everyone, for some reason. I click it, and literally nothing happens. The other buttons work, namely the one to toggle between light and dark screens. But there is NO way, for some at least, to even put it into fullscreen in the first place. So if that does solve the problem of the cursor, great. But please stop ignoring that people have said more than once that the fullscreen toggle itself does not work.
Reviewer:
ktoolz
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: High SCORE
Subject: High SCORE
Dear zw2100,
I will accept your three sets of clothes as I got high score of 9577 as a teacher.
It was great playing the game again. The dosbox sound was iffy but still fun.
I will accept your three sets of clothes as I got high score of 9577 as a teacher.
It was great playing the game again. The dosbox sound was iffy but still fun.
Reviewer:
JohnnyLurg
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Nostalgic fun despite slight bugs
Subject: Nostalgic fun despite slight bugs
Probably the best educational game ever. The cursor issue is easy to adjust to unlike many other games here.
Reviewer:
Phoenix1106
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Touchpad won't work
Subject: Touchpad won't work
Well this really is an old school game. A touch pad on a laptop will not compute onto the game itself. Since its in DOS format you have to use a ball or trackball mouse.
Reviewer:
dwebster30
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: good game but with a few issues...
Subject: good game but with a few issues...
this took me back to my days in elementary school when mt class played this game for rewards. I loved it then and I like it now. There are a few issues I had at first with the mouse pointer not being in line with the windows pointer but I figured out that if you go to the fullscreen size then back to normal it will work fine in Google Chrome, at least it did for me. I aslo had issues with the number keypad but I quickly found out to use the numbers above the letters on my keyboard and it works fine. Just like old times I got killed first time out but scored about 3400 my second try as an aonymous user so I'm liking this throw back to the late '80s.
Reviewer:
melangefiesta
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Awesome
Subject: Awesome
Love this... takes me back in time. It's still fun as well. The cursor lineup could be better, but it seems that you can fix it within several minutes of the game's start if you move it around the right ways (notably up past the top of the screen and then back down again).
Reviewer:
SarahHumphrey
-
favorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Cursor Issues
Subject: Cursor Issues
Sad, no matter what I try I can't get the cursor to line up and therefore can't enter the game. Full screen, moving all the way to one side to wait for it to catch up, not full screen, etc.
Reviewer:
yoursugarpacket
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: works great on chrome!
Subject: works great on chrome!
I love this game! reminds me of being in 5th grade all over again! I'm 6th on leaderboard so far
Reviewer:
zw2100
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: High score 9177!
Subject: High score 9177!
Not to brag, but... I just scored 9177 as a Teacher (all 5 survived). If you can beat that, I'll give you 3 sets of clothes.
The game works well for me in Chrome. Only issue is the sound is wonky, but this seems to be the case for all games with sound on the site.
The game works well for me in Chrome. Only issue is the sound is wonky, but this seems to be the case for all games with sound on the site.
Reviewer:
twistr25
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: How to buy
Subject: How to buy
Simple solution, at least for me. If you have a number pad, it does not work. Use the numbers across the top of the keyboard. Killed everyone my first time out, just like old times!
Reviewer:
Mrs.Peacock
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Use Firefox
Subject: Use Firefox
This game worked great for me using Firefox as my browser. The cursor lined up correctly and the number keys worked so I could buy items to get started. I first tried Internet Explorer then Chrome, but was unable to purchase items because the number keys wouldn't work with either of those browsers. You can download Firefox for free and it takes just a few seconds. I hope this helps some of you out.
Reviewer:
Izaya
-
favorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Can't buy items
Subject: Can't buy items
I also can't type in the boxes to buy items, and it looks like no one has solved this. Any idea why it's only happening to some people or, better yet, how to fix it? Anyone??
Reviewer:
rafika816
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: So much fun!
Subject: So much fun!
Almost as good as I remember. A little glitchy, but no enought to end the game. Going in and out of full screen fixes the cursor issue. I really enjoyed the historical aspect of the game.
Reviewer:
Elissabethd21
-
-
January 8, 2015
Subject: can't buy anything
Subject: can't buy anything
It won't let me type i the boxes so i can buy the supplies, anybody else had this problem. If so, did you solve it and how.
Reviewer:
SitaOni
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Not bad for a dos port ^.^
Subject: Not bad for a dos port ^.^
Worked fine other than the in game mouse tending to wander. Played in normal, not full screen, so dragging the mouse to the right side of the screen until both lined up solved the problem. At least until the ig mouse wandered away again.
Reviewer:
Madame Sparkles
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: Seriously people...
Subject: Seriously people...
Look at the screen. There is NO DOWNLOAD! The game is available to stream/play in your browser only. To get your mouse to work properly (to work at all, or line up, etc.) use the full screen button and you'll be just fine.
Reviewer:
Mick4786
-
-
January 8, 2015
Subject: help
Subject: help
how do u get it to fullscreen mode, the button wont work
Reviewer:
jeansmama915
-
-
January 8, 2015
Subject: Same Issue
Subject: Same Issue
Same issue as a few others. I cannot figure out how to download the game. :( Someone please tell me how to do this, so I can relive the 80s! ;)
Reviewer:
Seiena
-
-
January 8, 2015
Subject: Can't buy anything
Subject: Can't buy anything
no way to say yeah I'd like an ox please.
Reviewer:
kristen58
-
favorite -
January 8, 2015
Subject: mouse doesn't work
Subject: mouse doesn't work
The mouse won't work. I can't get the game's mouse pointer all the way over to where it says "start the game". This sucks.
Reviewer:
lvlflv1life
-
favoritefavoritefavorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: Where is the download?
Subject: Where is the download?
Can anyone point me in the right direction of where to download the game?
Reviewer:
billgx
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: mouse issue & full screen fix
Subject: mouse issue & full screen fix
I also had mouse issues and trouble with full screen not fitting on my monitor. Before running the program in the browser, I zoomed out by tapping "ctrl" + "-" several times to make everything smaller. Once I got the program to fit entirely in my browser screen, everything worked great!
Reviewer:
JulianneC2
-
-
January 7, 2015
Subject: Oregon Trail
Subject: Oregon Trail
I don't even have the option to go fullscreen. It is grayed out.
Reviewer:
Shaharazaad
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: Go Full Screen
Subject: Go Full Screen
All of the mouse issues can be resolved by going full screen. This will resolve the multiple mouse pointers and the ability to actually click on something and have it work. You do not need a joystick for this game (that's just boiler plate verbiage).
The game plays just like the original, including the &^*!^!! random things (like the fire that took out over half my gear). Works great for me! Thanks!
The game plays just like the original, including the &^*!^!! random things (like the fire that took out over half my gear). Works great for me! Thanks!
Reviewer:
Shakes999
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: Works fine, go Full Screen
Subject: Works fine, go Full Screen
Game works flawlessly. Go to full screen to get the mouse pointer to line up properly. After that, enjoy!
Reviewer:
janalynn99
-
favorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: Doesn't work.
Subject: Doesn't work.
Like others have stated there are two mouse pointers and when you click on Travel the Travel it brings up the Hall of Fame. Clicking it again brings you back to the start screen. Its a big loop at this time :(
Reviewer:
girly382
-
favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: Fun!
Subject: Fun!
The mouse pointer for the game doesn't line up with my mouse pointer. But if you line the game's version up with where you want to click...it works just fine! Sadly, everyone in my party died before reading Oregon :(
Reviewer:
Juxpitos
-
-
January 7, 2015
Subject: emulator mouse pointer not "true"
Subject: emulator mouse pointer not "true"
I would love to play again but when i start the game up I get two mice pointers. one is for the game emulator the other is for windows and the emulators mouse appears in the wrong position. There is no way to get the emulators mouse to the bottom half of the emulator to play or anything and when you click anywhere else on the screen all you get is the top scores.
Reviewer:
rongsee
-
-
January 7, 2015
Subject: Can't play
Subject: Can't play
Same problem as emilliony. Can't get it to play at all. Also, why do we need a gamepad to play? I used to be able to play it with the keyboard.
Reviewer:
emilliony
-
favorite -
January 7, 2015
Subject: Am I doing something wrong
Subject: Am I doing something wrong
I can't get it to play. Every time I click travel the trail, or when I click anything, it just brings up the hall of fame
1,574,218 Views
1,798 Favorites
IN COLLECTIONS
Software Library: MS-DOS GamesUploaded by Software Library on